Mighty Thursday Mourning
by The Author's Mighty Pen
Summary: A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is. -Jay Neugeboren, An Orphan's Tale How will John Bates and Anna Smith bear the sorrow threatening to tear them apart?
1. The White Tree

"The hills changed."

"What?"

"The hills changed." The smaller, blonde woman pointed out the window of the house while the dark-haired woman whipped another sheet off a chair. "It's just odd."

"That you're noticing hills changing?"

"That everyone always talks about trees or leaves changing when they come back to a place or how people change but they never talk about how the hills changed."

"Changed how Anna?"

Anna shrugged, "They just look smaller."

"Or maybe you got bigger."

Anna snorted, "I haven't grown since I was in secondary school, Mary. I know you remember when I topped off at just over five foot because you couldn't stop nagging me about it when you towered over me."

"No shame in that." Mary blew out, "This place's not been used in forever so you might have to battle some spiders out of the corners but I think it should do."

"It'll be fine." Anna paced around the room and only turned when she noted the silence. Mary stood with her hands on her hips, the scrunch to her face screaming that she used all her energy to stop herself saying whatever begging to break from the tip of her tongue. Anna sighed, "What?"

"I'm just confused as to why you're here."

"Aren't I allowed to visit?"

"I never you weren't." Mary waved a hand at the room, "I just find it odd that you wanted back in your old house, that you showed up without warning in the middle of the night, that you're here without your husband..."

"John's busy."

"Does he even know you're here?" Anna did not answer and Mary let out a breath. "I just think there's too much you're not telling me and I want to know how I can help. Something got you deep in the soul and I can't fix it but I want to try and make it better."

"You already are." Anna patted the sofa and dissolved to coughing as the dust billowed out of it.

They fell into laughter and Mary pulled Anna's shoulder. "Why don't you stay in our spare room tonight and then we'll fix this up between us tomorrow?"

"When you say that do you mean you'll actually do manual labor?"

"I mean Matthew'll do the labor and I'll provide refreshments." Mary offered Anna her hand, "Come on. You'll feel better if you're not breathing this in all night."

"Probably." Anna agreed, "Thank you Mary, for doing this."

"I still think there's something going on."

"It's just a holiday, Mary."

"No one opens up their family's house for a holiday."

"Extended leave of absence."

Mary snorted, "I guess when you run your own company you can take as many of those as you want."

"I don't run it."

"You and John run it." Mary pulled the door closed and handed Anna the key. "Yours, for as long as you need it."

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it unless," Mary held up a finger, "You plan on telling me what the hell is going on."

"Not tonight Mary." Anna led the way to the car. "Definitely not tonight."

* * *

 _The road was slick. People joked about rainy seasons in the land of perpetual gray but it had rained for a week straight. The Ouse threatened to burst its banks twice already and then finally broke a dam that morning._

 _They should not have been driving. She knew that. The girl in the seat next to her knew that. They were wet, trembling, and terrified but they had to. They had to drive._

 _They had to get away._

 _With fingers like claws over the steering wheel, Anna guided the car through the deluge. The wipers worked at top speed but the old car only had speeds that were less-than-efficient for everything. The wipers, like the tires and the paint, were old and worn. Not the car one wanted to trust in a veritable monsoon._

 _Everything about the car was bald. When they took turns Anna locked her jaw and prayed they could manage the lack of friction and skid just enough to catch road. When the rain picked up she tried to crank the wipers up another setting but only heard the shudder-inducing squelch of the cracked rubber skating the window for a brief instant of clarity. Then all was downpour again._

 _Anna wiped at the trickle down the side of her head, blinking in an attempt to keep herself focused._

 _"_ _Anna, you're bleeding."_

 _"_ _It's nothing." Anna shook it off. "It's nothing Gwen. I'm fine."_

 _"_ _You're not fine."_

 _"_ _I will be once we're far away from there." Anna put her foot down on the accelerator and navigated forward. "We're getting away."_

 _"_ _Anna-" Gwen's voice caught and Anna wrenched the wheel to avoid the car skidding toward them, only visible by the headlights._

 _They hydroplaned and Anna's breath caught in her chest. Everything moved as if in slow motion and she risked a look over at Gwen. Then their car hit the barrier._

* * *

Anna gasped herself awake, clutching the blanket draped over her before sitting up. The twitter of the birds out her window had her blinking in the half-light of dawn. She pulled a jumper from her bag, open on the chair beside the bed, and tugged it over her head before yanking her hair back from her face.

Her feet padded over the rug and she hissed when she hit the cold wood of the floor. Grimacing, she hopped toward her trainers and shoved her feet into them before pushing the French doors open. The chill of the morning nipped at her as she walked out onto the grass of the backfield.

There, on the little rise some dared call a hill, loomed the tree. She never bothered to learn the species but it never mattered to her. Anna stopped, holding her arms over her chest while her breath fogged in the air, and she craned her head back to look at it.

It was the same tree. The white tree. The one she always saw.

Anna hung her head, "You're not real."

With a sigh she turned back toward the house but stopped when she saw two girls running toward her. One, with flying blonde hair and an infectious giggle, stayed just out of reach of the older girl. The one with her ginger hair restrained enough to allow her to move with ease.

They chased one another around Anna, oblivious to her presence, and circled the tree. Anna turned to watch them, fingers clinging to her jumper as her eyes edged with tears. She risked a hand over her mouth as the ginger-headed girl finally caught the little blonde one, holding her high before leaving a trail of kisses over her.

"Caught you." She teased, tickling at her. "Another win for Gwen."

"When will I win?"

"When you're older Emmy." Gwen set Emmy on the ground, "You'll have long legs like me and then you can run all day."

"But I'll never be older." Emmy turned toward Anna, "I'll be this age forever."

* * *

Anna shot up in the bed, breathing hard, and let her eyes track a path around the room. There were no French doors and no backfield. Only the window that looked down on the gravel drive in front of the house and the rest of the estate.

Trying to ease her breathing, Anna got out of the bed and hissed at the cold floor. She wandered into the bathroom to the side and splashed water on her face. When she caught sight of herself in the mirror all she could do was hang her head.

"They're not real." She sighed, "They're both dead Anna."


	2. Pity Pit

Anna dropped the rag back in the bucket and sighed, "If I'd known it'd be this hard I would've hired someone."

"Must be nice to have all that disposable income." Mary taunted, easing around her with one end of a ladder.

"It'd stop your whining, that's for sure." The blonde man at the other end ducked a swat from Mary. "But it's nothing for us to help Anna. I hope you know that."

"Thank you Matthew." Anna stuck her tongue out at Mary, "At least he's a good sport about it. And don't talk to me about disposal income Ms. I-Own-My-Family's-Estate."

"I don't own the whole thing yet." Mary argued, climbing up the ladder to reach the higher moldings near the ceiling.

"Key word being 'yet'." Anna wrung out her rag and went to work on the next window. "You've every intention of owning as much of this as possible."

"It's not a crime to want it all."

"Only a crime if you don't know where to stop."

"Says the woman with two houses."

"I don't have two houses Mary," Anna worked over the windows, drying them before wetting another pane to wash. "We've got the London flat and then this one."

"However you count them, I'm excited that you and John are moving back here. We've missed you." Matthew held the bottom of the ladder for Mary and flinched when she dropped the bucket on his head. "Ow. What was that for?"

"Nothing."

"It felt like something," Matthew complained as Anna caught the glare Mary shot Matthew while bringing the blade of her hand back and forth over her neck in the 'don't say anything' gesture. "What?"

"She's telling you not to talk about why I'm here." Anna leaned on the windowsill, raising an eyebrow at Mary before addressing Matthew. "She's afraid you'll upset me if you do."

"How would that upset you?"

"Because John's still in London so, for the moment, it's just me here." Anna wrung out her rag. "But maybe he'll come up here soon."

"If he knew you were here." Mary muttered but Anna ignored her.

"He's got business he wants to finish in London and he needs to focus on that. Help get his mind in the right place and, when he's ready, he'll come up here."

"Is this about Emmaline?" Matthew asked and ducked another falling object. "I'm not kidding Mary, I won't take brain damage because you didn't tell me what not to ask before we agreed to help her."

"Yes, Mary, stop abusing your husband." Anna threw her rag at Mary and addressed Matthew. "Yes, it's about Emmy. He's decided he needs to stay in London and make sure the trial ends the way he's hoping it will."

"But you didn't stay?"

Anna shrugged, "It's all been over for me for two years now. I don't want to live it out any longer."

"Anna," Matthew abandoned the bottom of the ladder, stranding Mary at the top of it, "If… if you need someone to draw up papers for you two… I could find someone who can do it with the care you need."

"Thanks Matthew," Anna put her hand on Matthew's arm, "But I don't think we're there yet."

"Because you're here and he's there?" Mary risked descending the ladder, blanching when it rocked under her. "I'd find it difficult to file for divorce when the other party doesn't even know where you've gone."

"It won't be hard to find me if he wants to see me."

"That's an interesting way to phrase it." Mary crossed her arms over her chest, "Are you two not talking?"

"Talking and communicating are two different things." Anna took her bucket to the sink and heard Matthew exit the room as Mary entered the kitchen behind her. "I really wish you'd learn the difference too."

"I'm not like John."

"Obviously." Anna dumped the bucket of dirty water in the sink and let it drain away. "He's the silent type."

"Hence why you're here complaining about him not talking."

"It's not that he's not talking." Anna ran another dose of water with soap and turned to face Mary. "It's that he's not talking to me."

"I thought you two were in therapy."

"We were until the therapist refused to schedule another visit until John actually tried any of the recommended processes. He's still stuck on the Anger stage and won't move on."

Anna shut the faucet off and stood, palms grinding into the counter before she grabbed the bucket and threw it across the room. Suds and water splashed everywhere, soaking into the carpet on the other side of the sitting room. Anna put her palm to her forehead as the tears started and she stumbled back into the counter.

Sliding down the doors to the underside of the sink she sobbed into her hands. An arm came around her, pulling Anna into Mary's shoulder. She cried there, gripping the material of Mary's shirt tightly as her whole body heaved the emotion out of her in great, racking sobs.

"He won't let it go."

Mary's hand smoothed over Anna's hair and she held her close. "I don't pretend to know how you feel, Anna, but you've got to tell John you're here. He deserves to know."

"What about what I deserve Mary?" Anna pushed away, stabbing at her chest with her hand. "What about the comfort and peace I need? Why's he so intent on making that man pay for what happened when that man has no idea what he's done? He'll never comprehend what he took from us and it doesn't matter how many years he's in jail. It won't solve the hurt. It won't fix anything."

"John's just trying to bury his pain the only way he knows how."

"He should've tried to bury his pain with mine. We could've tried to bury it together." Anna rested her head back on Mary's shoulder, her anger and grief subsiding into exhaustion. "We could've buried it together like we buried her."

"Sometimes it just takes people longer." Mary kissed her head. "You remember when Sybil died?"

"Of course I do."

"My mother, God rest her soul, was convinced it was my father's fault because he thought the doctor could do it and wouldn't listen to the nurse that said the doctor wasn't himself. He didn't trust the nurses and insisted the doctor could do it."

"I remember." Anna wiped at her eyes with the back of a shaking hand.

"It took my grandmother's intervention, God rest her soul all the more since she might be in Hell, to get them to confront one another and the real problem."

"If you say it was the eclampsia-"

"But it was, Anna. Even with the doctor being less than his best there wasn't anything anyone could've done." Mary sighed, "Everyone walks this road their own way and that's how it is. But sometimes you need someone else to bash your heads together to help you see the truth."

"You want to bash our heads together?"

"Hell yes." Mary took Anna by the shoulders and forced their eyes to meet. "You lost a daughter, Anna. That's not something you can just shrug off with a bit of therapy. There's a reason they say there's no word for parents who lose a child. Because you're not supposed to. You're not supposed to bury your children because they're supposed to bury you."

"I know this-"

"But it happened, Anna. It happened and you're hurting and instead of turning to each other you're lashing out at one another. You're running from your grief the way he's burying his in anger. All it's going to do is tear you two apart and then tear holes in your souls." Mary released Anna's shoulders, "Tell John where you are or I will."

"You wouldn't dare."

"I would." Mary stood, "And don't think I don't know why you won't let him come here."

Anna paled, "If you tell him about Gwen-"

"That's not the concern I have. Although, I'm pretty sure if your therapist knew about that they'd tell you honesty is the best policy and that your husband deserves the truth about that too."

"There's nothing to tell."

"I think Gwen would've disagreed with that."

Anna pulled herself off the floor, "Why is it that people always want to use the dead against us? Because, if we're being honest, we don't know what Gwen would've said about any of this because we never got the chance to ask her. Know why? Because I killed her."

"You didn't kill her Anna."

"Didn't I?" Anna flailed with her arm, "I was the one driving a car I shouldn't have trusted in sunny weather in a rain storm. I was the one who drove even when I couldn't see. I was the one who swerved off the road and crashed the car. I was responsible for her and I killed her."

"You know what?" Mary threw up her hands, "Fine, you killed her."

Anna blinked, "What?"

"I'm done running this circle with you Anna. Over and over and around and around it goes. It never gets old for you does it, blaming yourself for all the little things in your life you can't change or you think are you fault. And you know what?" Mary walked out of the kitchen, grabbing her things, "I'm done with it. You and John can live with your mutual miseries because obviously you need the company."

The door slammed and Anna kicked her foot against the cupboard so hard it broke the door.

* * *

 _The white tree always beckoned them on the hill. They raced there, every time they took a picnic with their parents, and each time they tied. Their giggles, as they collapsed together at the base of the tree, filled the air. Then their parents would call for them, laughing with them for no reason at all before sharing the food around and babbling about nothing in particular at all._

 _She still remembered the day rain spoiled their picnic. The four of them struggled, gathering all the implements as quickly as possible to throw into the basket and cooler and race back to the car. Dad fumbled his keys on the ground and Mum tried to shield the girls when the hail pelted down on them leaving welts with the pence-sized pieces of ice dinged them._

 _The doors finally opened and they hurried into the car, the key turning in the engine to roar it to life. A chorus of dings and strikes echoed in the girls' ears as they held tightly to one another, shivering in the backseat, and Dad steered them back toward the road. It was only ten minutes and then they would be home. Warm, safe, dry, and roasting marshmallows in front of the fire… which was actually a toaster._

 _But they never made it home._

 _Instead a lorry, struck the report said, by a hailstone the size of a cricket ball, lost control on the narrow lane. Dad tried to steer to compensate but the slick surface, pitted with potholes left unrepaired by the council, caught the car and rolled it. The lorry driver crunched his brakes but could not stop its momentum in time to prevent hitting the front of the car and crushing it like an accordion._

 _Only the girls' small size and cuddle save them._

 _In a tangle of twisted metal it took fire services three hours to finally bend back or cut through, they were relatively unharmed. Anna suffered a scar above her eyes from a piece of shrapnel that, if a few inches lower, would have blinded her forever. Gwen broke her collarbone when they tried to get her out because she refused to let go of Anna._

 _But they were safe. They were alive. They were orphans._

 _The struggle came to find family. There was an aunt in America but the visas and the cost were untenable. The will called for the grandparents to gain custody but they had passed the year before within an hour of one another at their home. Died peacefully in their sleep, so all said._

 _That left their uncle. He had not seen the girls in years and the rumors were the last family gathering he attended ended abruptly with his ass in the street. But no one knew for sure and when the judges and investigators could find no reason not to grant him custody. Especially when he seemed fit, agreed, and even petitioned for it they granted it. With a bang of the gavel their Uncle took them back to their house._

 _He moved his things into their parents' room and slowly started selling those things he could. His friends took up space in the siting room, the dining room, and the garden until all the girls had was their bedroom for refuge. And soon, not even there._

 _The night the door opened and his shadow stood there, the waft of alcohol entered Anna's nose as he advanced and then-_

* * *

Anna sat up on the sofa, inhaling with a gasp and then coughing to try and get her heart beating normally again. She pushed a hand through her hair and squinted at the light coming through the windows in the sitting room. Pulling at her shirt Anna stood up, blinking away the sleep from her eyes and stared out the back windows toward the little rise in the sizable back garden. Just over it she saw a house.

"Still there you bastard?" Anna muttered to herself before turning to grab her trainers and her keys.

Pushing out the back door and then tramping over the rise to the garden back gate, Anna paused. It was only a moment and then she jammed the door with her shoulder to push it open. The hinges creaked and moaned before opening to an overgrown path leading to a tiny cottage.

She banged her fist on the door and waited. When no one answered she banged again. Muttering and groans came from the other side of the door and Anna stepped back as it opened.

"What do you-" The man there stopped, his lips slowly curling up into a smile. "My, my, my, little Anna Smith's come back to town."

"You never left."

"Well," He shrugged, "I couldn't really move anywhere after what happened now could I? The ruling kept me local and then I couldn't move anywhere afterward."

"Contained your field of influence did it?" Anna crossed her arms over her chest, taking in the man who appeared almost like a fuzzy photo. Like he was simply fading away before her eyes. "What a shame."

"It was, really. I could've been gone forever instead of just outside your back gate." He leaned around the door and picked up a fag, sticking it between his yellow-stained teeth to speak at her through them. "I heard you got married."

"Surprised?"

"Not at all," He flipped a lighter, one-handed, and then inhaled to blow out a stream of smoke. "Who you married on the other hand… that was a surprise."

"What did you expect?"

"Someone younger." He snorted, "Don't tell me the old cripple you chose makes you happy."

"He makes me very happy."

"Then what's got you crawling here then?" He sent another stream of smoke toward the sky, "Come on Anna, don't lie to your dear, old Uncle Alex now. You wouldn't be at my door if you were happy."

Anna narrowed her eyes to study him. "Were you sad when Gwen died?"

"What?" He coughed and Anna cleared her throat.

"When Gwen died in the car crash, were you sad or was it just inconvenient for you?"

"Despite what you may think of me," He dropped the fag, stubbing it out on his stoop with the toe of his natty house slippers. "I do have a bit of a soul so yes, it did hurt when she died."

"Because you lost a victim? Or was it like the way people get upset when they lose a pet?"

"Like when one human being loses another." Alex looked around, "What's this all about? What me to admit something? What me to repeat what I testified to in court or something? Because it's over Anna. It's all over for the both of us and has been for a long time."

"It's not over."

"Then it should be." He put his hand on the door, "I served my time for what happened to the two of you and while I know you think I should've rotted in there, that I should've died, that I should've burned in Hell, none of that happened. You know why?"

Anna did not answer but he continued anyway, "Because life's not fair. You're an adult, you should know that by now."

He slammed the door and Anna heard him throw the bolt. For half a second she was tempted to throw one of the crumbling bricks from his unkempt path through the window but, instead, she walked back to her house. The garden gate clicked closed and Anna found a padlock from the shed, one without a matching key, and put it through the latch.

"You're right about one thing." She muttered as she clicked the lock in place. "It is over."

* * *

 _They ran toward the tree._

 _Gwen caught Emmy in her arms and spun her around. Anna sat nearby, watching them. Their giggles reached her ears and Anna closed her eyes to enjoy the sound. When he fingers brushed over something she risked a look down and noticed the checked pattern of the blanket. Running her had over it, she relished the familiar feel of the family picnic blanket. That slight scratch to her skin that irritated and comforted in equal measure._

 _Two bodies dropped heavily on it, joined shortly by a third. Anna turned and lifted her chin enough for the man to lay his lips lightly on hers. Her hand stroked his bristled cheek and then hummed against his lips before he pulled away._

 _"_ _You said you'd shave." She chided with a smile as he took the space behind her._

 _"_ _Did I?" He turned to the two girls digging into cake from the basket. "Does anyone remember me telling your mother that I'd shave?"_

 _"_ _She's not my mother." Gwen stole some of Emmy's cake, "But I do remember it. You promised when you got back from Morocco."_

 _"_ _I told you." Anna kissed over his cheek and then made a show of spitting invisible hairs from her mouth as Emmy giggled. "No one wants to kiss a bristle brush."_

 _"_ _Bristle brush eh?" He buried his face in her neck, kissing over her as she squealed and tried to fight him off._

 _"_ _Ew!" Gwen and Emmy said together, Gwen reaching over to cover Emmy's eyes. "You're disgusting."_

 _"_ _Wait until you find love like this." He responded, helping Anna sit up straight again._

 _"_ _But I won't John." Gwen's voice was suddenly serious and Anna turned toward her. "I'll never find love because I never had the chance."_

 _"_ _Me either." Emmy held close to Gwen, "Because I never grew up."_

 _Anna blinked and they vanished, leaving only she and John on the blanket. She grabbed at him, "Where'd Gwen and Emmy go?"_

 _"_ _Don't worry, I'll find them." His fingers trailed over her arm. "I'll get justice for them."_

 _"_ _That's not what I meant."_

 _"_ _Shhh," John put a finger to her lips before pressing her back to the blanket with kisses over her skin. "I'll find them."_

 _"_ _But you don't even know who Gwen is." Anna pleaded, her breath gasping out as John's hands moved over her skin, sparking little fires over her nerves as he went._

 _"_ _Then tell me about her…" John lifted his head to look at her, "Later."_

 _Their lips met and Anna moved her legs wider to allow John to situate himself between them at the insistence of his hips. He settled there, pressing her into the ground, and continued to kiss from her lips to her neck and collar._

 _"_ _John," Anna tried not to sound breathy and overcome but there was nothing she could do when his fingers moved over her knickers. "Emmy'll be back any moment."_

 _"_ _Then we'll have to be quick won't we?"_

 _His fingers worked her over the edge and Anna gasped out her finish against his bearded lips. In another moment he moved her knickers to the side and slid into her. The comfort and exhilaration of the move sending Anna's eyes rolling back in her head. And when he thrust against her the pain in her body tightened to a pleasure._

 _As their eyes met Anna reached for him-_

* * *

The ringer on Anna's phone blared her awake and she reached for it. Fumbling, trying to find it on a familiar but still foreign bedside table, she slid the indicator to the side and held it to her ear. "Hello?"

"Anna?"

She sat up in a hurry, "John?"

"We need to talk."


	3. Morior Invictus

Anna ran her fingers along the mug, sitting at the table in the little café. Her feet kept changing position, resting alternating ankles on raised feet before switching sides. Her hands reached up to turn the mug, redirecting the handle in alternating patterns but never actually drinking the contents. She jumped, looking up every time the bell over the door rang, and then turned back to her drink on the table.

Losing her focus in the swirls of the chilling drink she started when a body slid into the seat across from her. He held up his hands, "Sorry to startle you."

"No," She shook her head, "It's just… lost in thought I guess."

"Get that a lot, lately?"

"Like you wouldn't believe." Anna took one final look at the mug before sliding it to the side of the table so she could cross her arms and lean forward on them. "You?"

"Every other second." He pointed at the mug, "Is that any good?"

"I don't know." She laughed a bit, "I think I bought it to give my hands something to hold while I waited."

"I find myself reaching for her hand, even though I know it isn't there." He admitted and Anna took one of his hands on the table, squeezing it.

"I know it's not the same but-"

"No," He covered her hand when she tried to pull away. "It's fine. I've missed your hands too."

"You can have them back if you want John."

He hung his head, "Anna-"

"Just leave it and come up to Downton with me."

"I can't."

"Why? Because he's not dead or hanged or whatever else they could do?"

"Yes."

Anna sighed back into her chair, "It's always the same thing, John."

"Of course it is. This is about our daughter-"

"No, John, it's not." Anna cut in, biting down on her words so hard it almost cracked her jaw and sent John back a bit in his seat. "It's about needing to feel like you're bloody doing something that might bring you peace or bring her back but that's not…"

She trailed off, forcing her eyes shut to try and stop herself crying in the middle of a café but the hot slide of a few tears trailing over her cheeks. "She's not coming back to us John. She's never coming back and we have to learn to live with that. No matter how hard that is."

They sat in silence a moment before John spoke, his voice hushed and almost reverent in the bustle of the café around them. "Do you remember that novel we read together. The one about the couple in Australia?"

Anna frowned, "Which one, there've been a few."

"The one that was like a western and had all the chapter titles of western films." John scrunched his eyes as if pulling a memory from the depths of his mind. "It was like _Big Country_ or something."

"That's the movie with Gregory Peck but I know what novel you mean." Anna took a breath, wiping her eyes on her sleeve and noting the line of black mascara that spread there. "What about it?"

"Do you remember the passage from when the baby died?"

Anna nodded, "Yes."

"I always wondered…" John looked at the table, buffing the edge with his sleeve as if focusing on that spot would stop his own emotions spilling over and stealing his words. "If you saw it the same way afterward."

"I haven't reread it but I think it'd be different. Everything is different."

"I cut it out of the book and hung it by my desk." John wiped at his eyes, "I couldn't… I couldn't get the passage out of my head."

"Why not?"

"Because it felt like it was talking about me." John cleared his throat and pulled a folded and tear-spotted page from his pocket and handed it over. "I just… I needed something to know how I felt."

Anna pulled the page closer to read.

 _The man who towered over her and everyone else held a box that was too small. His large hands, that fired a gun faster than most could reach for theirs, gripped the wood with none of that surety but all of that security as he caressed the shape with loving fingers. The man who seemed more than human to most people had never looked more human to her than watching him carry the coffin of their child. This man that most thought was forged in fire and built of stone appeared so fragile today. Of all the elements that may have created him, today he was made of glass._

 _The coffin made no sound when he rested it in the hole. He straightened his back but stayed kneeling at the grave while all the others said their 'amens'. She watched his hands slide over the lid. His grazing fingers touched the hard wood like one touches a porcelain doll, afraid they could break it if they applied too much pressure._

 _He adjusted the coffin in its place, making sure it was perfectly aligned and sat back again. His hands looked so lost just resting on his thighs and she noticed the twitch in his lip from the strain the position put on his injury. His fingers trembled, as if he wanted to draw the coffin from the grave again and hold it in his grip. Like his hands were the only safe place for it. The only possible haven for their daughter._

 _She could not tell if he stayed by the graveside because he knew he would never be this close to his child again or if he hoped another touch might make the coffin vanish as if it never existed. Either way it did not matter. The coffin did exit and their Jane was never coming back to them. The pain they bore was theirs forever now. The stone cross over the tiny grave marked the place where the perfect symbol of their love rested forever as a symbol of their pain._

Pushing the page back to him she swallowed, "It's a lovely passage."

"It's how I feel." His fingers touched hers and then his hand covered hers when she did not pull away. "It's this… emptiness I can't fill with anything. No matter what I use or what I try or how often I write my feelings down in those stupid journals or…"

"I know." Anna tightened her grip on his fingers. "I can't fill it either."

"I just…" He closed his eyes again, looking down at the table and Anna wanted so badly to push the table away and draw him closer but their current location made it difficult so she just added her other hand. "I want to do something about it and I can't."

Anna stroked over his fingers, knowing she did not have the words she needed or any idea how to communicate them. They sat like that for awhile until a waitress came to their table. Their hands drew apart and Anna sat back to allow her still-full cup to cart away.

Ignoring the look of judgment at the cup not emptied, Anna cleared her throat. "How's work?"

"The orders are coming in just fine but the R&D department's struggling with this new flavor they want. Some kind of berry-mango-mash or some such that won't cover everything." John shrugged, "We'll find a supplier for it."

"There's a that place in Geneva."

"The one in Illinois, yes?"

Anna finally managed a bit of a smile, "Yes, the one in Illinois."

John snorted a bit and then sobered. "They're bringing up the possibility for just parole next week. There's a hearing and-"

"I'm not going." Anna shook her head, "I saw far too much of Thomas Barrow the first time around and I won't endure it again."

"We've got to show a united front, Anna."

"For how long?" Anna sighed, "Doesn't there come a point where the punishment is simply too much? Where we're just beating a dead horse to exert the energy for it?"

"He's the one who got into his car hammered to twice the legal limit and then plowed it through ours. He's the one who…" John swallowed back his next comment, tears now coming to his eyes. "He's the one who took Emmy from us."

"This isn't about him, John." Anna tried to keep her voice level, not wanting to make a spectator sport of their argument. "It's about you."

"What about me?"

"You feel guilty that you left a four-year-old in the car while you popped into the petrol station and you're blaming yourself."

"It's my fault."

"She was asleep in her seat, John." Anna stressed, "You knew she hated being woken up and you made a decision to get something quickly from the shop and left her sleep in the car. That's not a crime."

"I should've-"

"What?" Anna tried to meet his eyes but he kept looking anywhere else but at her. "Should've what? Known you wanted a last minute surprise for our anniversary? Known that some wanker you never met decided to get smashed by eleven o'clock and then take to the road? Known it was raining and the car he was driving had bald tires that skidded? Known the position of the turn in relation to the pub would send his car through the bar of ours?"

"Just-"

"What? What were you supposed to know?" Anna could not stop her tears now and she knew the people around her had paused but she could not find enough public shame to care. Instead she buried her face in her hands, "We couldn't have known that a freak accident would take our daughter from us."

John tried to put a hand on her but Anna batted it away, standing up. "It's as out of our hands now as it was then John. The only difference is we have a choice how we handle it now."

Anna left the café, pushing out onto the street and wiping at her eyes with her sleeves but the tears kept coming. She walked to the alley, where her car was parked, and dug into her bag for her keys. When she almost had them rescued from the contents of her bag they slipped from her grip and hit the ground, skidding under the car.

"Dammit!" Anna slammed her palm against the roof of her car and then slid down the side, curling up to sob there.

Large arms, arms she knew just by the sensation of them close to her, wrapped Anna into a protective embrace and she turned toward it. Her face buried in John's shirt as she cried, attempting to let the pain wash from her soul with these tears. But it was still there, aching in the pit of her, and all the tears did was take the edge off it for a little while.

John edged around her, retrieving her keys from under the car and then helping Anna stand. He opened the door, situating her in the passenger seat, and then took the driver's seat for himself. She barely noticed the change as the familiarity of the motion rocked her into an almost sleep brought on by the exhaustion of intense emotional expression.

They reached a building she did not recognize and turned to John. He shrugged, "I got a room here."

"Why?"

"I didn't… I didn't know if you wanted me with you."

"Why would you think I wouldn't want you with me?"

"Because…" John stopped, "You left, Anna. You left me with the barest of notes in the middle of the night."

"It wasn't…" Anna shook her head, "It wasn't because of you."

"Then what-"

"Just," She shook her head. "Here's fine. I can drive myself to the house."

"I've got it." He steered away from the hotel, taking the roads toward the country and then weaving them through the forested area, crossing over the Ouse, and into the hills.

They did not speak as John drove. Anna tried to close her eyes but the passing view was enough to keep her awake. Thinking over and over about how familiar it all was but also how alien. Like being in someone else's body back in all the places she had ever been.

The car stopped outside the house and Anna got out. She paused by the bonnet and addressed John. "What about your car?"

"I just walked from the station. I didn't want to bother with a car when I didn't know how long I'd be here."

"Do you have a bag or clothes or anything?"

John jerked a thumb back toward town. "At the hotel."

"Right." Anna took the keys from him, "Do you want to come inside?"

"Yes please."

They walked to the front door and it was almost like they were strangers, meeting for the first time, and Anna thought the hair on her arms rose at the insanity of it. Her mind flicked to the first time they had been there, him on her doorstep as he waited for her to open the door so he could accept the offer to enter her house. The feelings of that experience had been so different to the ones she had now.

* * *

 _Anna hesitated, her key almost in the lock, and closed her eyes to bask in the feel of John behind her. In relative proportions, his massive frame dwarfed her. She could feel so small around so many but with him… with him it just felt like having a bear as your protector. Someone always ready to defend you._

 _She smiled to herself, the key slipping into the lock. The idea of a great defender sending shivers through her body. Shivers she knew he could feel as he pressed close to her from behind._

 _"_ _If you're nervous-"_

 _"_ _It's the good nerves." Anna assured him, turning her head slightly as his lips whispered by her ear. "All good nerves."_

 _"_ _Then Ms. Smith," He reached around and turned the key before compressing the handle to open the door, "Might I suggest we take those good nerves inside since it's brass monkeys out here?"_

 _They laughed together and tripped a bit into her foyer. The door shut quickly to keep the heat inside the house and John removed Anna's coat before she helped him remove his. When their eyes finally met Anna knew there was no turning back._

 _For all the hurry and racing of her heart and the thunder of blood in her ears, they moved slowly. John's hands over her could not be softer or filled with more adoration. Each caress sent her nerves sparking to misfire in her brain so all Anna could was try to guide them to her bedroom. Backward, in the dark, and while trying to get off her shoes._

 _They tripped, giggling through their excitement and their struggle, until Anna felt the fake wood of her door against her back. John chose that moment to bend down. He barely nipped at her lips, holding along her jaw with those hands that rasped and teased but now cupped with all the delicacy of a fine china expert, and then set to work at her neck._

 _Anna's hand flew out, grapping the handle of her door for stability but turned the knob back accident and they tumbled into her room. She landed hard on her ass and John barely stopped himself falling over her, hitting the bed and bouncing sideways into her closet. They stopped a moment, waiting for cries of pain, and then dissolved into laughter._

 _Throwing her arms back, Anna surrendered to the floor and tried to manage words. "Not as graceful as I was hoping for our first time."_

 _"_ _But definitely more memorable." John dug himself from the closet, pausing when he touched one of her dresses. "Do you wear this often?"_

 _"_ _What?" Anna craned back and then covered her mouth in horror. "Pretend you never saw that."_

 _"_ _Why not?" John pulled it out, a mischievous grin on his face when he exposed the slutty nurse's uniform. "This is fantastic."_

 _"_ _That's from a period in my life that's no longer applicable."_

 _"_ _But," John pushed more of the clothes aside, "You've still got all the kiss-a-gram uniforms in here. Why keep them if you're not using them?"_

 _"_ _Because they've got a 'no returns' policy and I couldn't give them to a shelter." Anna tried to wrestle the costume from John but he held it out of her grip. "Forget you ever saw it."_

 _"_ _Not when I can imagine you in it." John ducked his head and kissed her._

 _The motion caught her in surprise and Anna stopped trying to wrest the uniform back. Instead she grabbed at his shirt to hold herself up. And, dimly, she heard him drop the uniform to use both of his hands to bring her closer to him, dipping his tongue into her mouth to intensify the kiss._

 _They managed to make it to her bed. And through the struggle of zippers, a snapped strap, and a button sent pinging across the room, Anna finally had John exposed to her. He kept himself over her, his weight balanced on his arms and knees, and continued kissing her._

 _In the darkness there was no sound but them. The sound of their breathing setting the pace and only punctuated by sounds made in the back of their throat or by the wet releases of lips. Sounds they teased from one another with trembling but vigorous fingers and dedicated lips._

 _Her lips tried to match his chest and her hands sculpted the contorting muscles of his back in the best anatomy lesson she ever had. His mouth made its steady path toward her breasts while his fingers held her still so he could work around her skin. And both of them fought against basic impulse when their questing endeavors led them to brush against the evidence of the other's arousal._

 _With only the dim lights of the night to guide her, Anna followed the glint in John's eyes. Her sounds, muffled and whispered at first, grew in volume and desperation at the insistence of his fingers against her folds first and then her vaginal walls. When she tried to respond in kind it was like having something dangled before you and then taken away… quite literally in her case._

 _The scratch of her nails over his erection or trying to fondle his hanging sack had John skittering back. Anna tried to complain but he just set his mouth to suckling one of her breasts and added another finger. All she could do was raise a leg to try and bring him closer and dig her nails into his back._

 _Between his ministrations and her own attempts to chase the offered pleasure, Anna broke. The hoarse shriek she let out frightened her a bit but the wolfish expression John gave her, the one he flashed before taking her mouth for his own, told her it was the right move. The same right move that spread her legs wider and then lifted her hips so he could glide into her._

 _Their motions started slow, matching the rhythm and tone of the kiss John instigated. But Anna drove John faster when she wrapped her legs over his hips to send him deeper than he expected on a drive. And again when she left indentations in his skin with her nails at the hitch he added to hit her nerves._

 _Soon the bed creaked, rocking a bit with each of John's rutting thrusts, and Anna tossed her head back. She wanted to scream or moan or do something but all she could do was try to bring him closer, try to chase that sensation again, and try to keep him close to her forever. In that moment of clarity she knew she wanted him forever._

 _Anna crossed the threshold of her climax again, John's skilled fingers aiding for the last bit to send her over the edge, and then he joined her. They collapsed together just long enough for John to catch his breath, and then he removed slowly to dispose of the condom. The moment he was close enough Anna grabbed at him, trying to pull him closer to her._

 _He came, willingly, and they just stared at one another. His fingers slipped over her wisping hair to leave her face open to his gaze in the darkness. John leaned down and kissed at the hand she hand between them and intertwined their fingers._

 _"_ _Well Ms. Smith…" He worked their fingers together, "I do hope you don't mind that I just had my way with you."_

 _"_ _I don't mind." Anna stretched against him and shifted closer. "If you don't."_

 _"_ _If a man ever minds a beautiful woman allowing him the privilege of sex then he's either gay or mad."_

 _"_ _And you're neither?"_

 _"_ _I got it up for you and not our server this evening." John joked and they dissolved into giggles again. His fingers tightened around hers, "But, despite our rather rocky start in the hall and when we first got in here, did it meet all your expectations?"_

 _"_ _No," Anna shook her head and then kissed John's nose when the shock spread over his face. "It was better."_

 _"_ _That's the bar then for me." John kissed her fingers again, laying a longer one over her lips before pulling back. "To always exceed expectations."_

 _"_ _It's not review on an exam."_

 _"_ _You're definitely more vocal than any exam I ever got."_

 _Anna laughed and settled next to him. "Prettier too."_

 _"_ _By far." John paused, "Though there was this one time…"_

 _Anna swatted at him and they laughed together again._

* * *

"Do you remember where everything is?" Anna stood to the side as John entered the house. "If you need a refresher on how to work the shower or-"

"I remember." John turned over his shoulder before drawing a finger over the kitchen island. "We lived here before Emmy was born."

"Right," Anna shook herself. "Sorry, I guess I thought-"

"Anna," John turned back around, "Why did you leave?"

"What?"

"You said, in the car, that it wasn't me." John shrugged and sat on the arm of the sofa. "If it wasn't me then what was it?"

"It's this whole thing John." Anna waved her hands, dropping her bag and keys into a chair before sitting on its arm to match John. "It's battling it out to try and find meaning in your crusade when all I want is to move on. It's… it's the anniversary-"

"I'm sorry I forgot but I promised-"

"It's not that you forgot because I did too." Anna pointed to herself. "I forgot our anniversary because it's always going to be bittersweet for me. For us. It's… it's because it's not the only anniversary that happened and I just couldn't take it. I couldn't take the looks at work or…"

She hung her head, "It's the fact that I've sunk so deep into pain that I don't see a way out anymore."

John nodded, clasping and unclasping his hands between his open knees. "Then… Maybe, we should…"

"Should what?"

"Should consider a solution." John raised his head, "A more permanent one."

"What kind of permanent?" Anna frowned and the shook her head, "Please don't tell me you're thinking about divorce."

"I just thought that you leaving in the middle of the night and telling me not to call you was a sign that you wanted out."

"Out of the house not out of this." Anna flicked her wrist to point her finger between them. "I don't want that. I'd never want that."

"Then what do you want?"

"I want us to leave the courts to decide the fate of Thomas Barrow and for you and I to move on."

"I don't know if I can."

"Can't or won't?" Anna stood up, arms crossing over her chest. "Because you can drop it if you want to. If you'd move past your anger and just…"

"Just what? Cry all the time? Dissolve into grief at the first sight of something that reminds me of her? Move on with the five steps or whatever?" John blustered out, "Because I can't do that. I don't know how and no matter how many of those bloody entries I wrote or the how many hours of sodding therapy I attended it never helped. It didn't do anything for me."

"Then what do you think will help?" Anna fired back. "Waiting in a dark alley for Thomas Barrow to cross you on the street so you can shoot him? Or stalking him for the rest of his life so you can beat a confession of guilt from him? Or maybe you want a bloody time machine to take you back and-"

"I want her back." John finally broke into sobs, his clenched fists releasing as he collapsed back onto the couch to use his now open hands to hold his face. "I just want my little girl back."

Anna came to his side and pulled him closer. It was his turn to put his head on her shoulder and soak her shirt with his tears. His turn to shake and shriek and sob and settle while Anna just soothed.

Some time later she blinked herself awake, her back and tingling arm complaining about her position. She tried to move so John would not wake up but he snorted to life when his head slipped off her shoulder. He rubbed at his eyes, blinking as if to assess where he was and then shifting away.

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry." Anna moved, stretching her arm and twisting her wrist to start the blood flowing back to her fingers. "It's alright."

"No," He shook his head, "I'm sorry about all of it. I've been so wrapped up in myself that I forgot you."

"I forgot you too." Anna ran her hand over his cheek, smiling to herself. "It seems you also forgot to shave."

"I didn't have anyone to shave for." John teased, brushing the beginnings of his beard against her cheek so she shied away from it. "My wife left."

"I'm sorry." Anna ran her fingers over the bristles, "I should've stayed."

"How else would you've gotten my head out of my ass?"

Anna grinned, "I would've found a way. I always do."

"That's true." John brushed the hair away from her face, "We've been gone so long Anna."

"Too long." She whispered and shifted to bring her legs up onto the sofa.

He settled between her legs, his fingers rasping down her skin toward her neck. "Would you mind if I didn't stay away anymore?"

"Not at all."

Their lips met and Anna closed her eyes. With the bristles over his face scratching at her skin she sighed. It was the pinpricks of pain to the pleasure of having his lips on hers again that brought her to life.

They moved together, old hat at being with one another so removing their clothes or navigating the creaking sofa was nothing to them. Unlike their first rush this was like watching an expert performance after enduring amateur hour. And Anna twisted them, using her experience, to get John on his back beneath her.

Their skin slipped and caught as they massaged and maneuvered. Like returning to an old neighborhood, where all is familiar and yet so different, Anna and John found one another again. His lips settled at her breasts and his fingers worked up into her so she could ride his hand. Her hips rocked and then her knees shifted to dig into the cushions on either side of John's head when he slid himself lower.

His fingers did not stop but with the added sensation of his tongue Anna clutched at the arm of the sofa. She practically ripped the fabric there when John sent her to climax and barely had time to gauge his movement until she felt him pressed behind her. He only waited, holding her close, until Anna turned over her shoulder to kiss him.

The thrust dug Anna's knees into the sofa cushions but she held her position. John's lips and fingers worked at her shoulders and breasts, moving over her body in time to the way he drove forward. The silken slide of his chest against her back had Anna using what little leverage she had to enjoy more of him. And when she went to peak again, John's fingers met her need with deft efficiency before finishing himself.

They settled back, John laying lengthwise on the sofa as Anna lay on top of him. Her fingers brushed over his chest, teasing new patterns in the hair there, and her ear listened to the steady beat of his heart. John's arm around her shifted and Anna turned to look at him.

"What?"

"I'm sorry." He kissed her forehead. "I'm so sorry."

"No," She stroked a hand over his face. "We both mucked this up."

"We did, didn't we?" John sighed, moving himself up enough to rest his head on the sofa arm. "But we'll get another try yeah?"

"Of course." Anna assured him, nestling close again. "It can be like we're meeting all over again."

"Just as long as our next 'first time' doesn't land you on your ass in your bedroom."

"I don't know," Anna teased, nudging him in the ribs with her elbow, "you might get lucky and find I've still got all those costumes."

"Oh Mrs. Bates," John moved Anna to straddle him, hands at her hips grinding her down where he rose to the occasion. "Don't play with fire."

"Don't worry," She ground back and lowered to kiss his mouth, "I've got a fireman's uniform and everything."


	4. Temet Nosce

Anna tied the cord of her dressing gown tighter and frowned as the banging at her front door refused to cease. She opened it and then crossed her arms over her chest, "Good morning Mary."

"I hope that robe means you spent the night having sex with your husband."

"Actually no, it means I just got up and I needed to come to the front door." Anna waved her hand back into the house, "Me being naked would've said I was having wild sex with my husband."

"I didn't mention parasailing."

"Then why are you here?"

"This," Mary held up her phone and Anna leaned forward to read it, "Thought you ought to know your skeezy uncle decided to make a come back."

Anna took the phone from Mary's hand to read more of the article. "What's he possibly got to write a book about?"

"Apparently he's convinced he was framed. Says it was the delusions of two sick and spiteful girls exercising their ingratitude."

"He can't be serious."

"Seems to be." Mary snorted, "Rotten bastard."

Anna pushed the phone back to Mary, "John can't know about this."

"Why not?"

"Because he already threatened to kill him when he tried to contact me after he got out of prison. I'd rather not have to return to a courtroom to defend my husband against a charge of murder." Anna folded her arms over her chest, "I can't bear another court room in my life."

Mary tucked the phone away, "It's your choice in the end but he's going to hear about it. It'll be the talk of the town and…" Mary stopped, "Where is your husband by the way?"

"Taking a shower."

Mary reached out a hand, grabbing a damp strand of Anna's hair, "I'm sure that didn't start out alone."

"It was like two ships passing in the night actually." Anna shrugged, walking toward the sofa and picking up the clothes there. "I was in first and then he joined me and then he's in there now."

"Please don't continue to the point where I'll need to burn out my own retinas to stop the replay of the images there.' Mary moved into Anna's kitchen, pulling open the fridge. "Matthew's trying to fight it you know."

"Fight what?" Anna dug her knickers out from under the sofa and laid them on top of the pile she settled on the island.

Mary flicked a glance toward the pile, pursing her lips before removing the container of juice and digging in Anna's cupboards for a glass. "The book. It's against the law for the perpetrator of a crime to benefit from an expose on the action. If your disgusting uncle even manages to write it he'll never see any of the benefits."

"The man's living in a shack off the back of my property." Anna settled on her stool, "I know he's got nothing left."

"That's what you get when you're a pedo."

"Who's a pedo?"

Mary barely put the glass to her lips when she spit the contents back into it. Anna turned over her shoulder and snorted a laugh at the sight of John struggling to cover himself. She dug out his boxers and flung them to him as Mary retched into the sink and held a finger behind her.

"I refuse to turn around and get another view of the full Monty waiting behind me."

"You're lucky Mary." Anna laughed, walking the clothes to John as his face continued to run through shades of red. "You're the first person to see John naked who's not married to him."

"There's a reason for that." Mary kept her back to them. "Why don't you both get dressed and-"

"You're the one who knocked on the door at an early hour." Anna pushed John back toward the stairs. "Come dear, let's get dressed so we don't scar our guest further."

They went back upstairs, John digging old clothes from the bureau as Anna sorted the clothes into the hampers, and she turned to the closet to extract clothes of her own. When she pulled them out she tossed the hangers on the bed and stopped when she noticed John staring at her. "What?"

"Who's the pedo Mary was talking about?"

Anna let out a breath, "She showed up this morning with news that my uncle's writing a book."

"He's doing what now?"

"You know he was an author before it all happened." Anna removed her dressing gown, working a pair of knickers and a bar on before continuing to speak. "He's in pretty desperate straits."

"Shouldn't he be? For what he did to you?"

"It's…" Anna sighed, sitting on the bed and mangling the trousers in her hand with the edges of her shirt grazing over her thighs. "It's over John. I let it rule my life for far too long and it's over. I has to be or else I'm still giving him power over me."

"That man should've rotted in jail."

"But he didn't." Anna dropped the trousers and turned to John. "He served his time and they let him out."

"You mean like they'll let Barrow out."

"John," Anna sighed, shaking her head. "I thought he resolved this last night."

"No, we resolved that we're moving forward together." John came to her side and tried to hold her hand but Anna pulled away. "They're thinking about just giving him parole."

"I know, I heard you last night." Anna drove a hand through her hair. It caught and she bent to dig in her bag for a hairbrush. "But, as I told Mary the other day, I've had enough of it. Two years of my life in courtrooms, sitting through appeals, waiting hours for ten minutes of a judge's time when they don't care. When no one, at this point, cares."

"We care."

"Then let's do something about it." Anna flung her arms out, barely keeping her hold on the brush. "Let's donate to a charity in her name or start a scholarship."

"You're trivializing this."

"No," Anna pointed with the hairbrush, "I'm trying to move on. From what happened to Emmy, from what happened with my uncle, from what happened to Gwen, from-"

"Gwen?"

Anna paled, pivoting quickly to look in the mirror as she combed at her hair. "Who?"

"You just said you're trying to move on from what happened to Gwen." John came closer, Anna noting his progress through the mirror. "Who's Gwen?"

"No one."

"She's her sister." Anna turned, noting Mary in the doorway. "I thought you'd both like to know that breakfast is ready."

"Anna's not got a sister?"

"Not anymore."

"Shut up Mary." Anna let the brush clatter on the vanity. "This isn't your place."

"Why not?" Mary shrugged, "You've been married to this man for six years and you never told him about your sister?"

John could not focus on Mary or Anna. "You have a sister? Had a sister?"

"It's not important." Anna waved John away, "Stay out of things that have nothing to do with you Mary."

"Then learn to be honest." Mary faced John. "Gwen was Anna's younger sister. She died in a car accident when Anna was sixteen."

"That's enough Mary."

She put up her hands, "Fine. I've done what I can but I guess there's only so much you can do when the parties in question don't actually want to help themselves."

She left and Anna dropped onto the stool by her vanity. A hand settled on her shoulder and she twitched away from it. John knelt in front of her, taking her hands in his, and looking up at her.

"Why didn't you tell me about Gwen?"

"Because I killed her, John."

"What?" He shook his head, "Anna, you're not making sense."

"I killed my sister, John."

* * *

 _Anna heard the scream and ripped the headphones off her head. She put her hands out on the walls, sliding over the cracked and buckling wallpaper, and leapt the last few stairs to see Gwen cowering in the kitchen. Uncle Alex, looming over her like he was ten feet tall, tossed away the broken dish and wiped at a cut on his face._

 _"_ _You want to throw dishes at me? You want to fight me? You think you're strong enough for that?"_

 _His hand came down and Gwen twitched and cried out. Anna grabbed at a shard of the plate from the island and skidded into the kitchen as his leg went back as if to kick at Gwen. She brandished the piece and moved between them._

 _"_ _Get away from her."_

 _"_ _Oh look, brave Anna here to save helpless Gwen again." Uncle Alex cackled, "How noble of you."_

 _"_ _Get away from her, it's your final warning." Anna's hand shook and she forced herself to keep her voice steady._

 _"_ _You're giving me warnings?" He stalked closer, "Like the ones I gave you?"_

 _Anna froze, eyes flicking to Gwen as she crawled back toward the corner cabinets, and then met Uncle Alex's face again. "I didn't say anything."_

 _"_ _You might not've but your sister there," Uncle Alex pointed over her shoulder. "She wasn't so smart. She told your teacher and then, wouldn't you know, there were police at my work. Do you realize how embarrassing that is?"_

 _"_ _Nothing happened. I know what to say if they ask." Anna's arm dropped slightly and she looked back at Gwen. "You'll tell them the same thing. That you had a nightmare or something and you imagined it. That you're sorry and it was all a lie."_

 _"_ _But it's not Anna." Gwen pulled at the counter, getting herself onto her feet, pointing at Uncle Alex as he stalked closer to Anna. "I know what he's done to you."_

 _Anna frowned and then faced Uncle Alex. "Did you touch her too?"_

 _"_ _Not yet." He leered at her, grabbing Anna's hand faster than she could move. He wrenched her wrist and Anna cried out, dropping the shard of the plate so it broke into useless pieces on the floor. "But maybe when I've finished with your lesson."_

 _His hand hit the side of her head and the impact on her ear rocked Anna. With her balance unsettled she grabbed for the counter but slipped on one of the shards of plate. She hit the floor hard and only heard Gwen crying out as she tried to sort her vision hazed by the impact of her head on the floor._

 _Anna got to her knees, nausea and dizziness threatening to land her on her face, but she forced herself to her feet. Tottering she grabbed at Uncle Alex's arm. The pull unsettled him and he flailed out with his other arm. It caught Gwen under the chin and she knocked into the wall before hitting the ground hard._

 _There was no time to check on her as Anna struggled to hold Uncle Alex. He turned on her and another slap landed her on her stomach. A moment later something heavy slammed her to the floor and Anna tried to swallow back her terror. The material of her jeans and her shirt shifted and moved until Anna could only kick out fruitlessly._

 _With her swiping hands she impacted a piece of ceramic. Dagger-shaped she wrapped her hands around it and rotated at the hips. Her shift surprised him almost as much as when she drove the piece deep into his neck. His hands let go of her and he stumbled back, holding to the spot as Anna crawled over the floor._

 _Pulling her trousers back into place with one hand, Anna grabbed Gwen's hand. She tugged and pleaded until Gwen blinked her eyes up at her. "Anna?"_

 _"_ _Come on," She yanked Gwen's arm, almost falling over onto her ass, but managed to keep her feet. Her fingers fumbled in the bowl near the door but she grabbed her keys and dragged the two of them out the door to the screams of Uncle Alex._

 _They ignored the neighbors peeking out of their houses, splashing through the puddles in the garden to Anna's car. She jiggled the key in the lock and forced it open to get them both inside while wiping her face to get the water off. A glance at her hands showed her blood leaked from a cut somewhere but she ignored it to shove the key into the ignition and turn the engine over. It coughed and complained, the old machine struggling to keep up with their urgency, but Anna pushed it into gear and sped away as fast as the spinning tires could manage._

 _The road was slick. People joked about rainy seasons in the land of perpetual gray but it had rained for a week straight. The Ouse threatened to burst its banks twice already and then finally broke a dam that morning._

 _They should not have been driving. She knew that. Gwen, in the seat next to her, knew that. They were wet, trembling, and terrified but they had to. They had to drive._

 _They had to get away._

 _With fingers like claws over the steering wheel, Anna guided the car through the deluge. The wipers worked at top speed but the old car only had speeds that were less-than-efficient for everything. The wipers, like the tires and the paint, were old and worn. Not the car one wanted to trust in a veritable monsoon._

 _Everything about the car was bald. When they took turns Anna locked her jaw and prayed they could manage the lack of friction and skid just enough to catch road. When the rain picked up she tried to crank the wipers up another setting but only heard the shudder-inducing squelch of the cracked rubber skating the window for a brief instant of clarity. Then all was downpour again._

 _Anna wiped at the trickle down the side of her head, blinking in an attempt to keep herself focused._

 _"_ _Anna, you're bleeding."_

 _"_ _It's nothing." Anna shook it off. "It's nothing Gwen. I'm fine."_

 _"_ _You're not fine."_

 _"_ _I will be once we're far away from there." Anna put her foot down on the accelerator and navigated forward. "We're getting away."_

 _"_ _Anna-" Gwen's voice caught and Anna wrenched the wheel to avoid the car skidding toward them, only visible by the headlights._

 _They hydroplaned and Anna's breath caught in her chest. Everything moved as if in slow motion and she risked a look over at Gwen. Then their car hit the barrier._

 _They plunged over the side and the front of the car hit the water. Anna rocked against her belt and her chin hit the steering wheel hard enough to knock her teeth together and bite into her lip. The taste of blood filled her mouth as the car filled with water from the flooded river._

 _Anna pushed against the door, grabbing the roller to get the window down but it jammed halfway, like it always did, and just drenched her in the deluge now flooding through the window. She fought against the door and her seatbelt to get free of the later as Gwen lolled in the seat next to her._

 _"_ _Gwen!" Anna shouted as a rush of water filled her mouth and she spit out before taking a deep breath as the car sunk._

 _She forced her eyes open, the grit scratching at her, but she worked her hands over to get Gwen free of her belt. Holding to the back of both seats, Anna kicked her feet forward, impacting the glass of her worn windshield. The little crack in the corner, that always spread a bit more when she bit a pothole, cracked further and Anna kicked again._

 _Black edged at her vision, stark against the brown-gray-green of the water swirling around them in the car, but Anna kicked as hard as she could with both feet. The windshield cracked in half and Anna grabbed Gwen's collar to pull her through the space._

 _But instead of swimming upward, the current bobbed them to the surface and tossed them under again. Anna held tightly to Gwen, trying to get breath when she could, and worked toward the side but the plunges under the surface made it impossible for her to tell direction. She clawed and struggled but her body, already weakened and running on the dregs of her adrenaline, slowed._

 _In the last moments of consciousness she closed her eyes to succumb and almost laughed to herself at the irony. A car killed her parents and now a car would kill them. Maybe there was a place in heaven for car related deaths and they would find each other there like waiting in line at the office to get you license._

 _Then Anna blinked. The tree where they used to picnic with their parents was in front of her. But it was not the right tree. This one was white, like everything else, and Anna wanted to automatically grab at herself to keep out a chill but there was none. The air, for what she could sense of it, felt as temperate as anything._

 _She walked toward the tree, casting her eyes around as if she could find someone or something to tell her how she went from drowning in the swollen Ouse to walking in the white grass near a white tree. But there was no one and nothing. Just Anna and the sound of her breathing._

 _Until she heard a laugh. Anna spun in place, trying to find the source of it. But it was like the sound was everywhere. All around her, inside her even, and teasing in its pleasure. And then she turned to see Gwen._

 _"_ _Gwen!" Anna flung herself forward and they embraced. "I thought we were dead."_

 _"_ _We're not dead." Gwen pushed her back, running Anna's hair through her fingers. "Well,_ you're _not dead that is."_

 _"_ _What?" Anna tried to laugh but noticed Gwen's face remained somber. "Then how are we talking to each other right now?"_

 _"_ _There's a lot of ways to try and explain that."_

 _"_ _Pick the simplest one."_

 _"_ _Your mind's trying to understand the idea that you're alive and I'm not."_

 _Anna shook her head, "No. I got you out of the car. I know I did."_

 _"_ _I drown in the water, Anna. When we hit I cracked my head on the side and it only aggravated what happened to me when Uncle Alex hit me. It caused a bleed in my brain." Gwen shook her head, "It wasn't your fault. I was dead anyway."_

 _"_ _No. I got you out." Anna enunciated each word clearly, "You can't be here if you're dead."_

 _"_ _But I'm not here, Anna." Gwen motioned around them. "This place isn't real. It's in your mind. It's how you're coping with what you know but can't deal with."_

 _"_ _Then what is this place?"_

 _"_ _I'd guess it's the place you made to feel safe when Uncle Alex…" Gwen hung her head, "I'm sorry."_

 _Anna swallowed, "I couldn't let him hurt you."_

 _"_ _And you protected me." Gwen put her hand on Anna's shoulder. "Now you need to protect yourself. You'll need to be strong."_

 _"_ _But I'm not strong on my own. I can't be."_

 _"_ _You'll have to be."_

 _"_ _Gwen!" Anna called out, something yanking her away from Gwen. "Don't let me leave. I can't go yet."_

 _"_ _I'll be here when you need me Anna." Gwen waved. "I'm here forever because I've nowhere else to go. It's like Neverland… I'll never have to grow up."_

 _Anna's eyes opened and she tried to sit up in bed but a nurse kept her down. "Where's Gwen? Where's Gwen?"_

 _"_ _Gwen?" The nurse turned to someone else in the room and Anna recognized Mary, hurrying to stand._

 _"_ _Anna, honey, you've got to calm down."_

 _"_ _Where's Gwen?"_

 _"_ _She didn't make it, Anna. Her brain bled and when she went unconscious they couldn't wake her up." Mary grabbed Anna's hand as Anna stopped flailing in the bed. "They got your uncle. Found a way to survive, snake that he is, but he's in custody. He can't touch you anymore."_

 _"_ _But Gwen's…" Anna fought against Mary's hold, tears coming to her eyes. "Gwen's…"_

 _"_ _She's gone, Anna." Mary tried to soothe. "I'm sorry but she's gone."_

* * *

Anna wiped tears from her eyes, noting how John now sat with his knees drawn up toward his chest on the floor. "I killed my sister."

"No," He shook his head. "You protected her and tried to save her. He killed your sister."

"If he killed her it'd be easy to deal with what happened." Anna ran her fingers under her eyes again, trying to rid herself of superfluous tears. "If I'd driven to a hospital or anywhere else but where I was going she might've lived."

"Where were you going?"

Anna shrugged, "I don't know. Here maybe."

"What was this place to you?"

"My Uncle moved us to his house after the first time he…" Anna stopped herself. "He didn't want the neighbors asking too many questions so he moved us to his house on the other side of town. A place where the neighbors knew horrible things happened in his house but didn't say anything."

"A place he'd be safe to do what he did."

Anna nodded. "That's why they kicked him out of my family party when I was young, the first and last time I saw him until he was made our guardian. My grandfather found him… well, his proclivities just extended everywhere they weren't supposed to and he marked me as his victim then."

"But they took him to prison?"

"For long enough that I tried to build a life where he didn't have to exist."

"And that time he tried to visit you-" John took a breath, "Now I wish I'd crushed his windpipe."

"I'm glad you didn't." Anna shuddered, "I wouldn't want you anything like that man."

"But what he did to you Anna…"

"I handled through therapy." Anna held up a hand, "I'm not a victim. I was his for awhile but I survived and I moved through it. When Mary's family took me in they paid for therapy and I worked past it."

John took her hands. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"That my life's one traumatic story after another?" Anna tried to laugh but it stuck in her throat between the emotion and the bitterness there. "I wanted a new beginning that left the past buried where it belonged."

"But is it there?" John rose back to his knees, "Is it there if you're still dreaming about Gwen?"

"How'd you know about that?"

"I've heard you talking in your sleep and… you've talked to Emmy before." John sniffed and Anna lifted his chin to see his eyes. "Do you see her in your dreams too?"

Anna nodded, her eyes tearing again, to reflect John's. "I see her with Gwen and they're happy together. Well… they're sort of happy. It's odd… they seem happy until they see me and then they get somber."

"Maybe it's you that gets somber." John put a hand to her cheek. "You don't belong in that world, Anna. You belong here."

"I want to belong here but…"

"No 'buts' Anna." John insisted, pulling her hands, dragging her with him to the bed. "You belong here."

She took his urging, climbing on top of him, and fell into his kiss. His fingers skated up her skin, pushing her shirt out of the way and leaving her hair to hang like curtains around his face. His lips guided her and Anna's hands soon came up to cup his jaw while he worked around to unbuckle her bra. It flew off in a direction away from them and John tipped away from the kiss to move his kisses there.

Anna held him tightly to her, clutching in his hair and digging in her nails when he nipped at a nipple or sucked it between his teeth. She rocked against him, riding his growing erection between her knickers and his sweatpants. Her hand wormed between them, slipping under two layers of elastic to grip him.

John bucked, hissing against her breast and kissing back to her mouth as Anna stroked and squeezed him. Between her hand and the riding motion her body adopted, John's hips rutted and shunted toward her until he finally snaked loose of his sweatpants and his boxers. They caught at his knees but Anna moved enough to strip them off and leave her knickers to land on the pile they made.

Climbing back toward him, Anna held him still and positioned herself over him to sink down. They paused, waiting for the moment to pass as they adjusted to being with one another again, and then John moved. His fingers played over her, indenting in her skin to leave patches of red and slight bruises later. Anna moved with him and followed each of his guided movements to catch him where she needed him most.

They moaned and whimpered together, their keens and cries echoing over the slants of the ceiling until Anna finally pulled John's lips to hers again. Driving one another to the edge, Anna gyrated her hips enough to let John fall over first, and then brought her hand between them to send herself to join him. He wrapped an arm around her, laying back and keeping her close to him.

For a moment neither of them spoke until something loud echoed in the kitchen. Anna lifted her head and then snorted a laugh, "I think Mary's still here."

"That woman's either got the patience of a saint or just can't stop herself meddling in everyone's affairs." John sighed, running his fingers through Anna's hair. "Think we should make her wait longer and grab another shower?"

"I just need a rinse." Anna sat up. "My face is probably puffy and I need some hot water to relax the muscles around my eyes or I'll look like Benedict Cumberbatch."

"I don't think I'd mind that." John dodged the swat Anna aimed at him. "I've put Bubbly Cubbersnitch to my list of five."

"He's on my list of five you prat." Anna grabbed a few pieces of clothing. "And you're welcome to join me if you don't distract me in there."

"Then I better not." John winked at her, "Because nothing gets me going like the sight of my wife naked in the shower."

"You're hilarious." Anna stopped, sorting the clothes in her arms. "We can't keep solving our problems with sex you know."

"We're not." John sat on the edge of the bed. "There's been a lot of crying involved."

"I'm serious." Anna groaned and John came up to her.

"So am I." He kissed her forehead. "We're working through it Anna."

She glanced down at her clothes and then up at him, "Grab your things and come with me."

They went to the shower and Anna started it up, pulling John in with her. She soaped up a flannel and took it all over him before offering it to him. With the water drenching them both, Anna basked in the feeling of her husband helping her remove the tension from her body with each swipe of the flannel. And then as he pressed behind her, lifting her leg to the side of the tub, and using his fingers to send her clinging to the sower curtain as his fingers massaged and relaxed her from the inside out.

A moment later he moved inside her and Anna tried to work herself back. The water slicked over them but increased the friction, forcing them to work harder as the bathroom fogged and the air humidified to leave them sweating again. Anna risked the water colder as John pressed against her. He twitched, driving as deeply inside her as he could, and brought them both over at the same time.

The cold water finally gave her shivers instead of soothing her and Anna turned the water off. John offered her a towel and then took one for himself. He rubbed down and then rubbed her down. As they stood on the bathmat, both holding their towels over themselves. Anna kissed him.

"We'll take care of each other, won't we?"

"I believe I promised you that the day I married you." John ran a finger over her jaw. "I'm sorry I forgot that promise for awhile."

"I did too." Anna hugged him, crushing the towels between them. "I should've told you about Gwen."

"I know now." John's hand rubbed her back. "It's going to be alright Anna."

"I hope so."

"It's a promise." He kissed her, "I'll keep it."


	5. Suffer the Music

Anna scowled at Mary as John excused himself from the kitchen, leaving the two women to stare at one another. Finishing her drink, Anna went back to spearing cold eggs on her fork as Mary finally spoke. "I hope you're not waiting for an apology."

"I wouldn't expect that from you unless you're very drunk or feeling very guilty." Anna chewed her rubbery eggs. "And you only felt that way when you cheated on Matthew with Kemal."

"Hey," Mary pointed her fork at Anna, "You swore you'd never mention him again."

"And you swore you'd never tell John about Gwen."

"I never made that promise." Mary flipped her head, taking her dishes to the sink. "And if it helped then you can thank me when you get your head out of your ass."

"I know I'd like to kick you in the ass for interfering."

"I'll take that as your 'thank you' and response appropriately with 'you're welcome." Mary made a face and Anna threw her empty glass at her but Mary caught it. "Calm your inner tiger there. This isn't the bedroom and I'm not your husband."

"Obviously."

Mary set the glass in the sink with her things, filling it and facing Anna while keeping the basin in her periphery. "Why didn't you ever tell him? I would've thought that would've come up in conversation when you're discussing your families at the start of your relationship."

"I just said my family all passed away and we left it at that." Anna finished what she would on her plate, bringing it over to Mary. "I didn't think he needed to know."

"And when you lost your daughter in a car accident you didn't think it was appropriate to tell him them?"

Anna dropped her plate into the water and shut it off before supporting her weight on her hands on the counter. "What do you want from me Mary?"

"I want to know how you've been married to that man over six years and you still have secrets from him."

"There are things I left buried in the past because they were better kept there."

"That's like hobbling around on a splinted leg because you think it'll be better in the end." Mary covered her face with her hands before scrubbing it. "Look, I don't want to tell you how to live your life-"

"Then don't."

"But you can't go on like this. He can't go on like this." Mary bit her lip, "Does he still want to go to parole hearing?"

"He says it's the 'end of the trial'." Anna shook her head, "It's too much for me and not enough for him."

"We all grieve differently."

"But we need to be on the same page as to when we start moving on." Anna flicked her gaze toward the back windows, the sight of the wall in the distance giving her a shudder. "We can't wallow in our misery forever and, eventually, we've got to find ourselves again."

"I think the problem is that you're looking for your old selves in the rubble of your life when you should be building your new selves."

"Thank you, Tumblr, when I want an Instagram post of a nature scene with a lovely phrase I'll let you know." Anna went for a sponge but Mary snatched it from her hand. "Excuse you?"

"It's the last good deed I do for you while you go and try to talk to your husband." Mary raised a finger, "No more secrets."

"Pretty sure you killed the last one I had." Anna tossed a towel, landing it in Mary's face and on her shoulder. "Don't forget to dry them."

"Prat."

Anna went up the stairs but stopped just outside the door to the bedroom. Her gaze noticed another room, the door cracked, and music coming from it. With careful steps she edged along the hall and put her hand to the door to push it open.

John sat on the edge of a small bed, his fingers interlaced and resting between his knees, and let the slow tears drip from his chin as his shoulders shook. Anna entered the room, her bare feet padding on the carpet as she took the only space left on the bed. Her arm went over John's shoulders and pulled him toward her, resting his head on her shoulder as he silently cried.

She went to reach around him, her fingers fumbling for the older generation iPod in the dock but John grabbed her hand. Anna faced him as John raised his head, wiping tears away as he drew a shuddering breath. "Don't."

"It's making you cry John."

"That's not a bad thing."

"It's…" Anna huffed, "It is when you're using it to torture yourself."

"You think this is torture?"

"You listening to _Fathers and Daughters_ is." Anna ran her hand over his shoulders, the shirt ruffling and shifting under her touch. "I remember why you love that song."

"It was her first ballet class. She wanted to practice for hours so she could me Misty Copeland one day."

"I remember."

* * *

 _Anna frowned, the giggling behind her steadily increasing in volume until she shook off her wet hands and grabbed a towel to dry them. "Alright you two, what's giving you the giggles? I know it can't be anything good."_

 _She came around the corner and watched Emmy break into another fit of tittering laughter while John tried to school his expression. Something incredibly hard to do when he wore a tree skirt around his waist to match the little tutu Emmy had around hers. He shrugged as Anna crossed her arms over her chest and pursed her lips._

 _"_ _She wanted help practicing for the recital."_

 _"_ _Mouse number four needs to be in bed." Anna dipped down, grabbing Emmy under the arms and lifting her up. "Or else she'll be too tired for class tomorrow."_

 _"_ _No!" Emmy squirmed to escape, slipping herself free and running over the wood floor._

 _Anna only took a second before she gave chase, running after her daughter while John took the other side. They dodged the sitting room furniture and eventually John caught them both, tumbling back onto the sofa as he pelted them with kisses. Emmy covered her head but Anna returned each one she got, the last leaving a little bite mark at his pulse. John twitched under her and Anna winked at him._

 _"_ _Come on Emmy. Your mother's right, we need to get you in bed." He hauled Emmy up toward his shoulder and then dipped to whisper in Anna's ear. "I'll get you back for that Mrs. Bates."_

 _"_ _I do hope so." Anna patted his chest and then pulled Emmy toward her to leave a kiss on her forehead. "Sleep well darling."_

 _"_ _Goodnight Mummy."_

 _"_ _Goodnight Emmy." Anna watched John carry Emmy upstairs, smiling to herself as she turned the notes of Tchaikovsky down in the living room and flipped the light switches so only the blinking color of the tree glowed._

 _The last dish went into the washer and as Anna wrung the rag out into the sink she felt the solid bulk of her husband behind her. Refusing to turn around, biting her cheek to stop herself snickering at the growl of impatience, Anna went about the remainder of her routine until John's hands landed on hers. They stroked up her arms, catching on the fabric of her jumper to change the furrows and valleys settled just below her elbow._

 _His hands continued to her shoulders and held there while he laid kisses over her exposed neck. Anna closed her eyes, reveling in the sensation of him around her until his teeth scraped over the juncture between her neck and shoulder. She gasped and then moaned as he bit down there. Her hand flailed back to catch in his hair and hold him close to continue his adoration of her skin._

 _"_ _You didn't think I was going to forget what you did."_

 _"_ _I hoped not." Anna grinned to herself, eyes still closed to leave the rest of her senses to pick up the slack and heighten the nerves under his lips and fingers. "Seeing you in that tree skirt…"_

 _"_ _Reminded you of something?"_

 _"_ _You in a kilt at our wedding."_

 _"_ _You mean when you had me against a wall at our wedding because of my kilt?" John's voice trilled near her ear and Anna opened her eyes in time to flutter them closed as his fingers slipped under her jumper and teased toward her bra._

 _"_ _It was rather convenient."_

 _"_ _I remember tearing your dress trying to get it off you."_

 _"_ _Worth it." Anna put her other hand to the counter, holding herself on the palm of her hand to give her the leverage to press her chest into his hands. "Worth every awkward face at the reception too."_

 _John only hummed against her skin, one of his hands leaving his work at her breasts to travel to her tracksuit bottoms. The elastic pulled for a moment as he maneuvered his hand inside but Anna did not have time to notice before her hands dug into their respective location. The one in John's hair tugged his mouth back to her skin and the one on the counter tightened almost enough to leave gouge marks in the granite. It did not help that John timed the motions of both of his hands to the steady shunt of his hips rubbed the growing tent in his jeans along the line of her ass._

 _"_ _I do hope you plan to finish what you're teasing you'll start Mr. Bates." Anna breathed, her head resting back against his shoulder in an attempt to get as close to him as possible._

 _"_ _Do you mind the kitchen?"_

 _"_ _Is Emmy in bed?"_

 _"_ _Put her there myself."_

 _"_ _Then," Anna turned her head just enough to cover John's lips with hers. She pulled and nipped there until he tried to take more. Then she leaned back and grinned at him. "In the words of her favorite song, 'let it go'."_

 _In another situation- as in before they had a child upstairs and busy jobs and a house to clean more frequently than when desperation struck- Anna might have seen the swift efficiency of John removing her clothes as over eagerness. Now she knew it was… but she was just as overly eager as he was. The muffled thumps of her jumper and bra hitting the little island built into the wall with a window into the sitting room were just promises of more to come._

 _More like the caress of John's fingers kneading deeply into the flesh of her breasts while his mouth traced nonsensical patterns over her back. Or the thrill of John's hand back between her legs when her bottoms puddled at her feet. And while time made them more eager for one another it also made the situation funnier when John almost tripped himself trying to escape his jeans or when Anna flung her knickers toward him but they caught on the spice rack instead._

 _Grinning and laughing like children discovering a new game, they kissed each other with their bodies as close as they could get without actually sinking into the skin of the other person. But now it was Anna's turn to whine in surprise when John twisted away from her and put her hands on the island while taking his place behind her. She tried to turn but he kept her in place as his fingers worked inside her._

 _Anna groaned as loudly as she dared, the second of shear terror that her child might wander down the stairs and see them this way keeping a damper on her noise, and spread her legs wider. Her weight leaned on her forearms, supporting herself on the ledge that jutted from the wall while John worked his fingers like a musician against her. The crook of his two digits had Anna yanking her jumper toward her so she could bite the fabric instead of calling out like she wished she could. And when her legs trembled a moment later, Anna left her moans in the fabric._

 _The soothing of sweet nothings entered her ears and Anna smiled to herself. She turned her head to meet John's lips and almost bit his tongue when he entered her in one swift thrust. Her need for air overcame her need for him and they could only keep their faces at a right angle to one another with each drive of John's hips into her ass._

 _He pulled to the edge, waited, and then plunged back to brush the very depths of her. Each motion set Anna on fire and her still sparking nerves fizzled and jerked in response to his ministrations. But when she could sense the indentation of a smirk on her cheek from him, Anna adjusted her position._

 _For John it put her ass closer and made his job easier, which explained his one-handed grab to her hip and the other giving her breasts enough attention to pause Anna's intentions. But it was only a pause. And he was the one who paused when Anna managed to get her arm between their legs to cup his sack in her hand. The stutter of John's body faltered the pace he set and Anna could not keep her snigger to herself._

 _"_ _Having trouble Mr. Bates?" She trilled and then met her match as John's speed increased._

 _The measured teasing of before fell to the overwhelming frenzy of hard and fast strokes that left her legs shaking. Each motion struck as deeply as John could reach and what he could not reach with each shunt of his pelvic bone against her ass he found with his fingers. They sought and slipped and slithered until Anna broke again._

 _This time she could only muffle the sounds in her arm, biting down almost hard enough to leave gouges in her own skin. John came not far behind, his body slowing and then draping over her as his chest expanded and contracted against her back. Anna let him stay there, the delicate balance in the weights keeping them from toppling to the floor, and only matched the pace of his breathing._

 _"_ _I think we should move somewhere else." John carefully slipped free and Anna heard him fumble for something before his skin rasped a tea towel between her legs. "Somewhere I won't have to worry about you collapsing on me."_

 _"_ _Says the man who almost missed Emmy's birth because he passed out at the sight of blood." Anna held herself steady against the wall, walking to the fridge and pulling out a water pitcher._

 _"_ _For the record, which I think I shouldn't have to repeat for the thousandth time, I passed out at the sight of my wife's body moving without her control and not the sight of blood." John shuddered, handing over a glass so Anna could fill it. "It was like that scene out of_ Constantine _. How does anyone not pass out after seeing that?"_

 _"_ _Not Keanu's best, that's true." Anna grinned at John over her glass, downing the contents and then offering it to him. "Speaking of births though…"_

 _"_ _Please say you're rejecting that weird invitation from Ethel to see her live birth when she does it in that kiddie pool."_

 _"_ _Obviously." Anna shivered, "That's disgusting."_

 _"_ _If it's not that then…" Anna bit her lip and John stopped, the pitcher raised for another glass before he noticed her expression. "What is it?"_

 _"_ _How would you feel about another birth?"_

 _"_ _Are you-?"_

 _"_ _Not yet but…" Anna tapped her fingers against the counter. "We haven't really talked about it, since Emmy was born, but she's getting older and I think she's a bit lonely."_

 _"_ _All she ever does is talk about her friends from her playgroups."_

 _"_ _I mean here." Anna waved a hand and then recovered her bottoms, pulling them on but ignoring her knickers and bra when she went for the sweater too. "It's just us and her and I think she needs someone else. Especially while she's young enough to enjoy a sibling and not detest their existence."_

 _"_ _That'll happen anyway."_

 _"_ _I'd rather it be now, when she's not going to ask questions I can't answer with 'wait until you're older' or 'maybe the stork brings them'." Anna shrugged, "I want another baby John."_

 _"_ _In that case." John came over and lifted Anna into his arms, carrying her into the living room and setting her on the sofa. "We should get started immediately."_

 _"_ _Really?"_

 _"_ _Of course. We've got no time to waste. I just need to set the mood."_

 _"_ _Please do." Anna licked her tongue over her lips at the sight of his naked ass walking around their sitting room. "I'm quite enjoying the view."_

 _"_ _Don't play with fire Mrs. Bates." John warned, coming back over her and working his hands over her hips. "It's dangerous."_

 _"_ _I don't mind a bit of danger." Anna looped her arms around his neck and then allowed him to divest her of her clothing for the second time that evening. "If you don't mind the return of nappy duties."_

 _"_ _Of course not." John's finger brushed back the hair from Anna's face, his tone sobering. "I wouldn't mind another reminder of you around the house."_

 _"_ _And I wouldn't mind one of you." Anna kissed his hand and then squealed as John moved them from the couch to the rug. "Little brooder with this hair."_

 _Her hand almost made it to the back of his scalp before John shifted under her. Anna flung out an arm to catch herself when she thought she might fall but just used that hand to sink her nails into the sofa while the other at his scalp let gouges in response to the lick of his tongue over her folds. The grip he kept on her thighs to keep her steady and steer her as she ground down on his tongue, bruised but tipped her pleasure with enough pain to keep her conscious._

 _Sweeping strokes ran the length of her and then returned to dive between her folds and into her center. Her muscles tried to hold him steady but John slipped loose and worked to her clit, sucking it between his teeth and then nibbling at it. Anna tasted blood in her mouth when she bit down to stop herself screaming loud enough to bring Emmy down to the sitting room. And a moment later she slumped forward when her muscles finished clenching and her orgasm ran its course._

 _John continued his kisses to her skin but Anna shifted back, her knees grabbing at the fibers of the rug in her slide. His rising erection tried to stop at her ass but Anna rose up on her knees, resting one hand on the floor and the other on John's chest, and then sank down. Each rock and twist made him harder inside her until Anna gyrated and slipped and bounced with abandon._

 _The hands formerly digging into her thighs now grasped her hips and the impact of his knees against her back told her exactly how he intended to get the leverage he needed. Each thrust, like before, landed as deeply inside her as they could manage. But these were slow and, despite Anna's best efforts, determinedly long. Each one forcing Anna's focus to John's eyes until she had to kiss him again._

 _Then he sped up, unleashing the frenetic force inside him that brought gasping groans to them both. His finished and the pull of her closer to his chest, caught enough of the dying embers of her climax to bring her over the edge with a shuddering calm. A calm that left her head on his chest as her fingers traced the lines of his bones and muscles under the skin._

 _"_ _She'll be the best ballerina out there." John murmured and Anna raised her head. "Sorry, my mind was trailing."_

 _"_ _To_ The Nutcracker _?"_

 _"_ _To the sight of our little girl in that swamping mouse costume twirling around the stage." John smiled up at Anna, "She'll be the best one day."_

 _"_ _She's the best today." Anna kissed him. "And one day we'll have another member of the cheering section for her."_

 _"_ _I like that idea."_

 _"_ _How much?"_

 _John brought her lips closer with a hand to the back of her neck. "I like it a lot."_

 _"_ _Good." Anna grinned against his lips again, kissing him with whatever energy she had left to muster._

* * *

Anna pulled at John's hand and he frowned but she tugged all the harder. When she had him standing, towering over her as he always did, Anna leaned back and set the song to start again. As the strains of _Fathers and Daughters_ filled the room again, she swayed against him.

It took John a moment but once he realized her intention he wrapped his hands around her waist and moved them around the floor. Even in the cramped space they managed to dance to the song, tears still coming from John's eyes as he did. Anna brushed a few away from his cheeks with her thumb and stared into his eyes.

"Do you remember that conversation we had, Christmas before last?"

"About more children?"

Anna nodded, "Do we want to revisit that?"

"I don't know…" John paused, still keeping them to the beat of the song but stopping once it ended. "After you lost the last one…"

"I know." Anna put her hand on his shirt, holding his steady. "Those were hard but… I think we need to try again."

"What about adoption?"

Anna raised an eyebrow, "You want to adopt?"

"Why not?"

"Because you are far too Celtic and tribal."

"And I've had my tribe." John swallowed and Anna tried to keep back her tears. "All four of them are still our tribe, Anna. Maybe we need to invite others into our tribe. Start with those who need us as much as we need them."

"You don't think we can do it?"

"I think we need a different kind of stress for awhile." John brushed his thumb against her cheek. "The doctors said…"

"I know what they said." Anna closed her eyes, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to sound rude."

"I understand." John sighed, "I think we need to get to the point where we're not walking on eggshells around one another."

"I'll always walk on eggshells around you." Anna kissed his knuckles, holding his hand tightly in hers. "And I think you're right, we need another different kind of stress in our lives."

"If this is you saying I should-"

"No," Anna shook her head. She took a deep breath, "I think I need to go with you back to London and see this through to the end."

"You mean it?"

Anna nodded, "I don't want you to go alone to the hearing. I need to be there with you."


	6. Know Thy Love

Anna took a deep breath, John's fingers interlacing with hers and tightening to hold her hand close to him as they stood for the judge. The room turned to low muttering until the judge cleared her throat. "Call to order. Bailiff, please begin."

"We're here for the case of the State against Thomas Barrow, one count of manslaughter, one count driving under the influence, and one count of driving with an expired license. Prosecutor please begin."

"Thank you Your Honor." The prosecutor adjusted her wig, "We're here to discuss time served and parole."

"Does Defense agree to the stipulations?"

"We've discussed it at length but we've not come to a conclusion and no deal's have been accepted."

"Then your proposal?"

"We've proposed ten years with a chance at parole after five years served." The prosecutor nodded, "That's all Your Honor."

"Very well, would you begin?"

"Yes Your Honor," The Prosecution turned to the table where the Defense sat. "We call Thomas Barrow to the stand."

Anna's breath caught in her throat as the man in the jumpsuit went from the table to the box. She swallowed, her vision hazing, and her free hand went to her stomach. The sensation made her grimace and when the man started speaking the air in her lungs vanished.

She was back. Back to the evening of their anniversary. Back to the evening her life ended as she knew it.

* * *

 _With a sigh she picked up the Barbie, tossing it into the plastic bucket in the corner of the sitting room, and then picked up the blankets scattered over the floor. She folded them into a pile, leaving them half falling into the same plastic box._

 _Her phone vibrated in her pocket and she dug it out, wincing at the taste of bile rose in her mouth. She slid her thumb over the indicator and made her way into the kitchen with the phone to her ear. "Hello?"_

 _"_ _Hello darling."_

 _Anna smiled, her free hand faltering for a moment as she reached to grab the bottle of antacids. "Hello. Where are you?"_

 _"_ _Just on my way home."_

 _"_ _I hope you're not driving one handed with my baby in the car." Anna tumbled the bottle into her hand and jammed the phone between her ear and her shoulder. "I want you both home safely."_

 _"_ _I'm hands free." She could almost hear his smile over the phone. "And I wanted to call you so you didn't think I forgot what today is."_

 _"_ _Really?" Anna could not stop grinning, popping two tablets into her hands and then filling a glass to swallow them down. "And what is today?"_

 _"_ _Today is our anniversary and I wanted to wish you a happy fourth."_

 _"_ _Thank you." Anna tipped the glass over in the drain rack. "Where are you?"_

 _"_ _I thought I might stop and get you something."_

 _"_ _I hope you mean you're getting me more antacids."_

 _"_ _Are you feeling alright?"_

 _"_ _Just upset stomach." Anna laughed, "I can hear you frowning over the phone. Just… It's just an upset stomach. Those happen occasionally."_

 _"_ _But you never get sick unless…"_

 _Anna took her turn to frown, "Unless what?"_

 _"_ _You were sick when you were pregnant with Emmy."_

 _"_ _There's more than one way to get sick, John."_

 _"_ _But…"_

 _"_ _Now I hear you're self-satisfied grin because you think you successfully knocked me up." Anna shook her head, putting a hand through her hair. "Alright, pick up a pregnancy test then. But I don't think it's what you do."_

 _"_ _Why not?"_

 _"_ _Because we've only been trying for a few months and it took us time to get Emmy."_

 _"_ _We married when she was six months old."_

 _"_ _And we'd been having-"_

 _"_ _Hey, there's a little girl in the car."_

 _"_ _She'd better not be awake."_

 _"_ _No, she's been out for the last hour."_

 _Anna sunk onto the sofa, "And how was your mother?"_

 _"_ _She was… She's getting older and it's more difficult for her to be doing any of it on her own. I don't think she'll admit to it but she needs a home Anna."_

 _"_ _She could always come to live with us."_

 _"_ _I proposed that but she's not ready for that." John sighed, "She loved having Emmy with her for the conference though."_

 _"_ _I'm just sorry I couldn't go."_

 _"_ _Someone had to keep the company moving forward."_

 _"_ _I know but…" Anna shrugged, "It's fine. Just get home as soon as you can."_

 _"_ _I'll call you when I'm about ten minutes out."_

 _"_ _I'll act reasonably surprised." Anna forced herself to stand, looking over the sitting room and then back to the kitchen. "Do you have other plans for our anniversary?"_

 _"_ _I might have but I'll share those in private." He laughed into the phone. "I love you."_

 _"_ _I love you too. See you in a bit."_

 _She hung up the phone, tucking it back into her pocket as she headed to the kitchen. The dishes in the sink joined those in the dishwasher and she started it up before heading toward her room. Each step had her bones aching and, at the top of the stairs, she grimaced again and pushed herself into the bathroom. A moment later she vomited into the toilet._

 _Anna sat back against the wall, her eyes closed as she tried to regain control of her stomach, and breathed as she counted to herself to try and regulate herself. Leaning up onto her knees, Anna used the sink to pull herself to her feet and rinsed out her mouth with the water streaming from the faucet. After a few runs of the water through her teeth she spit it out. Anna drank another gulp of water and pushed herself out of the bathroom and toward her bedroom._

 _The vibration in her pocket had Anna stopping, groaning a bit when she saw the name there. "You may be-"_

 _"_ _Anna! Anna I need you here."_

 _"_ _What?" She furrowed her brow, shaking her head. "What are you talking about? What's going on John?"_

 _"_ _Someone hit the car and Emmy was inside and-"_

 _Anna ran for the door._

* * *

"Anna?" She blinked and turned to John, his soft voice bringing her back to the present to see him staring at her. Her periphery caught sight of the others in the room watching her as well.

"What?"

"Do you have anything to say?"

"No." Anna shook her head, "I've got nothing to say."

"And you, Mr. Bates, do you have something to say?"

John looked at Anna for a moment and then removed his fingers from her hand. "I do."

"Please take the stand then Mr. Bates."

Anna reached for him, pulling her fingers back to her chest as John walked the aisle to the box and took his place there. He quickly went through the promise to only tell the truth and then took his seat. The Prosecutor walked back and forth, occasionally blocking Anna's view of her husband.

"Could you recount the events of that evening for us Mr. Bates?"

"I was driving back from Yorkshire with my four-year-old daughter in the car."

"Why so late?"

"My mother had a fall and I needed to make sure she was alright."

"Was she?"

"After I conceded the point about her living in her home for as long as she wanted and wouldn't force her into a home."

The Prosecutor cast a look toward Anna, "And your wife?"

"She was home."

"Did she not get along with your mother?"

"They were great friends but she was needed at work."

* * *

Anna flicked her eyes down, her senses telling her she was falling as her body stayed in the same position on the bench. The words fused and muffled in her ears and not for the first time she thought of that night. Thought of how it must've been for her little girl in the back seat of the car.

 _Her eyes opened, adjusting against her seat restraints. She pushed herself against them to try and stand up in her chair. The belts kept her in place and her eyes only noticed the bright lights of one of the places Mummy and Daddy stopped often. But when she turned her head to look through the windows she did not see Daddy standing by the side of the car as he usually did at these buildings with their glowing signs._

 _One of her little fists rubbed in her eyes, trying to clear the sleep from it and understand why she was alone in the car. Her other hand wrapped tightly around the doll there and pulled it closer to her face to whisper to her. "He's playing hide and seek so we've got to be quiet. If we're not then-"_

 _A screeching noise drew her frowning face to the other window. She shut her eyes in a hurry, the bright lights aimed right for her blinded her in a moment and continued behind her eyelids. The impact threw her doll from her grip and it cartwheeled through the air to hit the window and slide down the glass to the floor covered with debris._

* * *

Anna took a deep breath, trying to steady herself as her trembling fingers dug in her handbag for tissues. Her mouth stayed open, her nose useless at helping her breathe and her ears only getting the rush of blood pounding through her head as her heart thumped wildly. She stood up in her seat, ignoring the looks and whatever comments or questions came at her, and she pushed out into the corridor.

It was empty but for a few people milling around, speaking in low voices. Anna ignored them all, pushing through the double doors to the balcony, and shut her eyes against the soft patter of rain hitting the marble there. She breathed deeply, the tissues still clutched in her fist and soon turning to a useless sodden mass as she supported herself on the railing.

* * *

 _She closed the door to the car, the keys in her hand digging their indentations deeper than before as the flashing lights blinded her like the flashlights of the emergency workers. One of them tried to keep her back, speaking incoherently as her ears struggled to translate English, and Anna called out for John. Welcoming arms soon wrapped over her and Anna's face met the wet slick of his jacket with his hand holding the back of her head harder than he ever had._

 _Anna worked away from him, her shoes slipping on the wet ground as the rain set her blinking as frantically as the windshield wipers on the cars about them. She pushed her hair back, the wet strands sticking to her face in the wind, and noted the man dazedly addressing an officer near a police car. For a moment their eyes met and then Anna saw John's car._

 _The side of it molded itself around the front of another car. A car with tires as bald as those of her car so many years ago and Anna held to John's arm and closed her eyes to block out visions of Gwen's body going limp as they tumbled into the river. With a shake she pushed forward toward the car, noting through the diffusion of flashing blue and red lights the golden head of her daughter._

 _"_ _Emmy!" Anna rushed forward, slipping from John's grip and dodging one of the rescue workers that tried to stop her. "Emmy!"_

 _But she never reached the car. John's arms, familiar from so many embraces, wrapped around her and held her back. His voice in her ear was only a jumble of phrases she did not understand as she begged him to let her go to their child. He did not release her, did not even listen to her, and only dragged her back as the emergency workers pulled out a set of large cutters to get into the car._

 _Glass on the ground reflected the lights of the petrol station and the vehicles about them, blinding her as she collapsed in John's arms. They landed on the wet pavement, a puddle splashing up to soak them and Anna turning to the side to vomit into the gutter. John continued to hold her and only tightened his grip when she gave one last, feeble, attempt to get to the car._

 _In a sliver of eternity one of the workers came toward them. He only had to remove his hat for Anna to realize the ashen look on his face held a different definition. She let out a sound she hoped she'd never hear again and buried her face in John's jacket. Her fingers clawed to get closer to him as the pain in her heart moved lower._

 _John's shouts turned to hands grabbing her from the ground and lifting her onto a gurney. One that let her see the one holding her daughter. And then she saw nothing else._

* * *

"Anna!" She turned, wiping at her eyes and then realizing the futility as the tears only intensified at the sight of John, soaked as he had been that night, coming to her. "Are you alright?"

"No." She sobbed into him, holding him close and then throwing herself back as the memories burned his touch on her. "I'm not alright. I'm reliving it everyday."

"What?" John tried to put a hand on her shoulder but Anna shook him off.

"Please, let me help."

"It won't help. None of this helps." Anna pointed toward the inside of the building, "It won't matter how long that lock that man up, he'll always be the one who stole out daughter from us and there's nothing we can do about it. Reliving these memories just… It's killing me John."

"But you left before I could…" John took a deep breath, "I asked them not to give him anything extraordinary."

"What?" Anna blinked at him, "What do you mean?"

"I only asked that they do what was just and remember that there's a little girl who won't grow up because of it." John took a breath, "I said I've washed my hands of the whole thing and this would be the last my family would have to do with any of it."

Anna tried to stop a sob and then collapsed into John's hold. His arms wrapped her close, his tears soon joining the raindrops sliding down her hair. Her arms tightened around him, trying to sink into his skin so they could join their pain and exorcise it together.

"It's over for us Anna. It's all over." He murmured over and over into her hair. "We're moving on from this."

* * *

 _Anna held John's hand, standing in black at her side under the blazing sun. Mary and Matthew stood nearby, keeping their distance from the couple only perfunctorily listening to the priest giving his blessing to the grave. It took a prod to their shoulders to get them to move forward so they could put flowers on the casket that was far too small. Flowers that were nothing but dead things that did not realize they were dead._

 _Just like they were._

 _The couple who nodded or muttered something accepting for all the hands of comfort and the words of calm to them as other black clad people passed them. Anna's hand stayed over her stomach, pains zipping through her and tightening her grip on John's hand. But he had not felt her for days and Anna did it more for herself than to seek anything from him._

 _He had nothing left to give._

 _Anna took her fingers from his and walked back to the coffin, using John as her defense from those wanting to pass on their condolences in her person. Her gaze flicked over the other headstones, remembering the headstone she once endured alone so long ago. The headstone she picked out herself with her body still aching with the pain of the accident just like when she picked this one while remembering the other child she lost that night._

 _A hand at her shoulder startled her and Anna bit back her response, the priest still so close to them. Mary held up her hands, eyes wide as if waiting for Anna to break into a violent tirade, but took her step back toward Anna. "Do you need a ride home?"_

 _"_ _John's driving us. Once they put the coffin in the ground we'll be on our way." Anna ran a finger along the lid. "You never think it'll be you."_

 _"_ _Sorry?"_

 _"_ _When you get your life insurance and you put your child's name on the line you never think it'll be you who has to see that come to pass." Anna laughed a little, the taste like the bile of her settling acid reflux. "You think you'll have to pick out the coffin or urn your children'll use for you because it'll make it easier when you pass. One less thing for them to worry over. You never think you'll have to choose theirs."_

 _"_ _I think you chose just fine." Mary put her hand over Anna's but Anna shook her head._

 _"_ _She wanted her room powder blue and I said maybe later because I didn't want to paint it." Anna sniffed, her gloved hand only sliding her tears over her cheeks as the leather failed to soak them. "She would've wanted something pretty. Not this. It's too black. She never liked black."_

 _Mary squeezed her hand over Anna's. "I want to help you talk to the insurance people. I know they can be-"_

 _"_ _They've already been." Anna squared her shoulders, motioning vaguely toward John with the hand she slipped from Mary's grip. "He tried to throw them from the house before stalking into the back garden. I've already signed all the forms."_

 _"_ _What about all of this? Do you-"_

 _"_ _I don't, thank you." Anna faced Mary. "I'd suggest you get back to your husband and your child. I'm sure they need tending to like mine… do."_

 _"_ _Anna-"_

 _Anna turned her back on Mary, continuing to trace the edge of the silver coffin until one of the workers cleared his throat. She nodded, stepping back beyond the tarp, and watched as they winched the box into the ground as carefully as they could. The flowers on the top still shook off, some of them crushed under the slight weight of the casket when it settled. Each pile of dirt they put in afterward soon hid the casket from view but Anna did not move until the whole plot was covered. Even then it took John's firm hand at her shoulder to have her leave the site._

 _They drove back to their house in silence, John's mother making a comment about being tired and using her cane to get to the guest room off the sitting room. John tugged at his tie and let it snap from his collar as he left it on top of his jacket on the back of the sofa. His shoes thunked on the floor and then he sunk into a chair and covered his face with his hand._

 _Anna stood in the doorway, looking to the corner with the plastic bin, and then turned on a heel and went to her bedroom. She left her clothes in a line from the door and then climbed under the covers. Light faded and the darkness settled before surrendering to the light again. All Anna knew was that John never came up and she never fell asleep._

* * *

Anna pulled the blanket around her, shivering a bit as she looked around the sitting room. "You painted."

"I thought I should." John settled next to her, putting a steaming cup into her shaking hands. "I wanted to make sure there wasn't still any crayon on the walls when I sold it."

Anna paused, the cup almost to her lips. "You're selling?"

"And my mother's house too. They're too much to keep up and I can't keep praying for renters." John took a sip and stopped his swallow when he met Anna's eyes. "Wasn't that what you said before-"

"It was." Anna shook her head vigorously, stopping when she saw the risk of a slosh from her mug. "I just… We had such a row I thought-"

"I wasn't myself." John shook his head, putting his cup to the side and pulling his blanket around his shoulders as well. "When I cooled down I realized you were right. We need to sell this place. It's… The memories here are…"

"Ours." Anna put her hand over John's, their mugs now almost touching on the coffee table. "They'll always be ours even if this house won't be."

"I can't live here anymore." John kept his gaze toward the sofa under them, the admission leading Anna to watch a teardrop hit the blanket and immediately spread in a damp spot. "I thought I could but, when I cleaned out her room with you, and then when I painted… It's just too painful to stay here."

"Then I'm going to propose something." Anna took his hands in hers, waiting until he raised his reddening eyes to meet hers. "We sell it all."

"What?"

"We sell the houses, even the one in York, and we find another one. We find one we make our own with the new family we'll build there and we start again."

"What about the business?"

"We sell that too. There's a few people interested in expanding their production and they've made us some lucrative offers." Anna shrugged, "We take them up on it and we wipe the slate clean."

John cracked a hint of a smile, "Does this mean we'll also get new identities and have to remember other lives and-"

Anna shoved him back and joined in his laughter. "No, prat."

"You love it."

"I'd love it more if you'd be more serious." Anna tried to wrest her blanket from under him but John surged forward, putting Anna on her back on the sofa. "That wasn't what I meant."

"But it's what I meant." John ran a finger down the line of her jaw. "I think we should start completely over."

"Like back to meeting me at school and fumbling so badly you dropped your drink all over your notes?" Anna giggled and then tried to fight John off as he tickled her mercilessly. "Then tell me what you mean."

"I mean," John put his knees on either side of her, "I mean we decide we're going to move forward together. Not like before. We're going to be in sync now."

"We were in sync before." Anna rested her hand over his heart, tracing the area of a faded pattern on his shirt where a logo once was but now only bore the evidence of more than a few times through the wash. "We just lost ourselves."

"I heard what Mary said, the other day." John sat back, helping Anna up. "About how we're different people now than we were."

"I think she's got a point." Anna winced, "Don't tell her I said that."

"I'm stubborn, not stupid." John grinned at her and then sobered. "Let's be those new people."

"Yes." Anna extended her hand to him, "My name's Anna Bates and I've been married for six years now, going on seven in a few months."

"I'm John Bates." He took her hand, the enveloping of her tinier one in his warming Anna's fingers. "And I married my best friend, my dearest love, and the mother to four children."

"John-"

"No," He stopped her, fingers over her mouth. "It's the truth."

"We don't have-"

"We did and we will again." John pulled her closer. "We're going to fill our new house with love and those who need us. We're going to build a new life but we're not going to forget the others."

"Never." Anna crawled onto his lap, holding herself close to him as he settled back. "We get another chance John."

"This time we'll do it right." He kissed her forehead and then leaned back. "Our tea's gone cold."

"That's how you drink tea." Anna smiled to herself. "You make it, wait for it to cool, and then get distracted doing something else."

"Right," John smacked his forehead and Anna pulled his hand back down, wrapping it around her again. "How could I forget?"

"That's why I'm here." She assured him, "Like I'll always be."


	7. New Beginnings

Anna folded her arms over her chest, walking the empty room as the realtor prattled on in the background about the house and its many features. But Anna's focus caught on the back garden. Pushing her way through the French doors, Anna walked onto the bricked patio and stopped at the edge as if afraid to actually risk the expanse beyond. Something about the tree on the hill caught her eye and she could not shake why until a beam of sun broke from the overcast to illuminate a pillar about it.

From a distance it looked white.

"We'll take it." Anna said over her shoulder and turned, noting the confusion on the faces. "We'll take it. As soon as possible please."

The realtor looked at John but he only shrugged, "You heard her. We want it."

"It's not quite in your range-" The woman tried to argue but Anna cut her off.

"If you want to be the one to make this sale to us, and I think you do, I'd suggest you give us whatever papers we need to sign by the end of business tomorrow. Otherwise…" Anna let the sentence hang in the air but did not have to wait long before the woman quickly arranged to get them everything they would need.

As the woman hurried to her car, chattering into her mobile as she dug one-handed in bag for a pen, Anna folded her arms over her chest and leaned on the front door frame. John's weight settled behind her and she smiled, leaning back on him as his hands smoothed over her arms.

"Why this one?" He murmured next to her ear, kissing over the skin there.

"I don't even know if I could explain it." Anna caught one of his hands in hers and brought it to her mouth to lay a kiss there. "It's not anything particularly sensible."

"I wouldn't mind knowing." John's grin stretched at the back of her neck, Anna giggling as he ran his nose along the line of her collar to leave her shivering under his attentions. "Especially since we just sunk a decent amount of money into it."

"Not until we sign those papers."

"But they'll be signed." John's tone sobered and Anna turned her head to look into his eyes. "Why this house Anna? We've looked at dozens for a year and you've not liked any of them."

"Because of this." Anna took his hand, pulling his through the French doors and to the end of the patio.

John shrugged, "It's not a particularly attractive patio but I could see why-"

"Not the patio." Anna pointed to the tree. "That's why."

"The tree?" John frowned, "What's so special about the tree?"

"When I was young, when my parents passed, they took us on a picnic to a hill with this large tree. Gwen and I ran around it for hours, just laughing and playing with them, until the rain damped the day."

"Literally."

"Literally." Anna agreed, shoving at his arm. "But then, on the way home…"

"The accident?"

"It's why I never drive in the rain." Anna released a breath she did not realize she did not realize she had kept trapped in her chest. "I've had too many bad experiences with it."

"If you don't-"

"No," Anna put up a hand, "I'm fine talking about it. Besides, I haven't explained about the tree yet."

"You said, the picnic."

"It's more than that." Anna looked to the ground and finally stepped onto the grass. She took a deep breath, releasing it slowly and then walking toward the tree. "After Gwen died I used to see her. Not as a ghost or anything, it wasn't like a haunting."

"Then like what?" John caught up to her, walking next to her but not taking her hand or reaching for her in any way. He kept his distance as Anna tried to work through the emotions drawing her to the tree like a line.

"Like a guide. I'd dream at night about she and I sitting under the tree." They reached it and Anna put a hand out to touch the bark, as if the roughness could convince her she was not dreaming. "She never aged, just remained as I'd seen her on the last day of our lives together."

John did not respond, waiting for Anna to continue.

"When Emmy first died I didn't see her. I didn't see Gwen after I met you so I thought she was gone. But then…" Anna sniffed, trying to speak past the stop gathering in her throat. "After the trial dragged out and we drew apart I… I saw them both."

"You saw Emmy?" John's hand grabbed hers and Anna startled a little at the intensity of his voice. "What did she look like?"

"Happy." Anna put a hand to the side of John's face, kissing him as if she could calm the emotions in them both by the action. "I'd see her playing here, with Gwen, and I watched them for awhile."

She wiped at her eyes and John drew her closer. "It hurt, for a long time, but now I imagine them running around this tree, holding sparklers, and laughing together as they just wait for us to join them wherever they are."

John clutched at Anna, burying his head in her shoulder. Anna wrapped her arms around his shoulders, keeping him close as he sobbed, and pressed kisses to his neck until he finally raised his head. He wiped at his eyes with trembling fingers and Anna wrapped hers in his to kiss over them.

"I didn't mean to make you cry."

"It's not that." John gave a half laugh, his voice laden with the tumult of emotions roiling there. "It's… I went to a priest after Emmy passed."

"You never told me that."

"I wanted to find comfort and my mother always found it in church."

"Did you find any there?" Anna waited, her fingers sliding over his until they interlaced in a confusing jumble.

"No." John's jaw tightened and Anna waited. "They only told me that there wasn't much hope for her since we never baptized her. I could tell it killed the man to say it, he was so young, but it's what they taught and I… I've been thinking about since and…"

Anna tugged John to sit next to her as they found a spot on the grass. "I don't think God is so cruel."

"I didn't either but it just built on everything else. And then, when you said you've seen her…"

"It wasn't all happy." Anna curled onto John's side, "It… Sometimes I thought they were nightmares showing me the people I'd lost from my life."

"Was I in them?"

"Once." Anna dropped her eyes, refusing to look at him. "When you called me, to meet up here, you woke me up from the dream when you came."

"I did?"

"I guess a part of me was afraid we'd never reconcile and we'd just drift apart until the only thing left for the two of us together was pain." Anna sighed, running her thumb over their tangle of joined fingers before meeting his eyes. "I couldn't lose you with her."

"Never." John cupped her face with his hands. "Seven years, Anna, isn't the forever I promised you. We've got a long way to go."

"You mean it?" Anna tipped closer, her lips barely brushing his. "You want forever with me?"

"I want as many lifetimes as I could get with you." John closed the distance and moved over her lips carefully.

Anna broke the kiss after a moment, her eyes flicking toward the doors. "She could come at any moment."

"And this is our house." John slid Anna into his lap so her legs straddled his and she only widened them to grind over the growing tent in his trousers. "We can do what we want."

"Then tell me," Anna looped her arms around his neck, "How long were you looking at my ass in this skirt?"

"It was all I saw during the whole tour." John grinned at her and ducked to lay a line of kisses over her neck.

She held him closer, tightening her hands on his neck and her thighs at his waist to rub herself against him. They shuffled and shifted with one another as their lips intermittently met between exciting one another with nips, digging fingers, and the thump of their hips impacting through their clothing.

Anna lifted onto her knees as she distracted John with her tongue in his mouth so she could pull his zipper down. His knees came up to support her from behind and lifted his hips from the ground to slid his jeans low enough that Anna could fumble the fabric of his pants out of the way. Her hands closed around him, encouraging him to move into her touch when he tried to muffle his grunts in the fabric of her shirt.

But when Anna thought she held him in thrall, her practiced caresses bringing his body to the humming edge of desire with each jerk into her hand, John's fingers slid over and into her. She clawed as his shoulder for purchase, biting her lip almost hard enough to draw blood when John slipped one finger inside her. They tried to ride one another as they depended on the ministrations of their hands until Anna got herself so close that each buck of her hips to sink his fingers deeper rasped the head of his erection against her clit.

She came with a nose that might have been his name but muffled in the clamp of her jaw around his shoulder. Her huffing breaths continued until John slipped her knickers to the side and sank into her. They held one another close, their foreheads touching, and just breathed for a moment as their heartbeats finally synchronized. As they did, their eyes met and they set their rhythm.

John tried to speed up but Anna put a hand on his chest, stalling him for the second it took her to whisper in his ear. "Slower, we've got time."

"Eternity." He gasped back and brought his fingers around to send her over the edge to join him in the moment of bliss they had there on the hill.

* * *

 _Her nose twitched, the slide of something along the end of it disturbing her enough to bat a hand at the offending object. Whatever it was just slipped over her skin and returned to its former occupation. She sniffed and inhale fast enough to disturb the tiny hairs in her nose. With a snort she jerked herself awake and rolled back from the patch of grass where the indentation of her body formerly lay._

 _Anna saw up, squinting and looking about herself. It was the same hill where she watched Gwen and Emmy play so often. She put two hands on the ground, feeling the cool earth beneath her as a light wind blew over the empty vista. Standing, pulling her hair back from her face so she could see, Anna surveyed the scene._

 _Her house was not there. The hill looked like it had all the other times, like the hill in the garden of her new home. But there was no house. Just white, open space as far as the eye could see. Or, as Anna snorted a little laugh to herself, as far as she could see._

 _Turning to see if the land behind her was as devoid of humans as that in front of her, Anna saw the tree. She walked toward it, putting out her hand to feel the bark. The rough scratch of the tree near her home no longer tingled against her hand. Instead a smooth bark wrapped the surface. So smooth she wondered if it was even bark at all._

 _"_ _It is." Anna jumped, noting a woman standing there with ill-defined features, her visage almost hazy in the glow of a light surrounding her. "Bark, that is. What you're touching is bark."_

 _"_ _And what are you?"_

 _"_ _The correct term, in this case, is more of a 'who' instead of a 'what'."_

 _Anna raised an eyebrow, "At the risk of being very rude you look more like a light bulb."_

 _"_ _This is for you." She moved her arms, waving to herself. "But I can turn it down so we can talk like people."_

 _"_ _Are you a person?"_

 _"_ _Not in the same sense you are." The light around the woman faded and Anna saw a woman with a mass of curly hair she held back from her face with a robust hair tie and skin dark enough to place her, with her accent, on islands in the Caribbean._

 _"_ _Then what is the sense... that you are?" Anna frowned, "No, that's wrong."_

 _"_ _It's fine." She waved a hand and came toward Anna, motioning down the hill. "Care to take a walk?"_

 _"_ _Would it matter?"_

 _"_ _That's relative but I think it's more of something to do. Standing around can b so boring." The woman moved forward but Anna hesitated. "Have something else you should be doing?"_

 _"_ _I usually see someone else here. Two someones, actually."_

 _"_ _They're around." She motioned for Anna to join her. "I promise you Gwen and Emmy are safe and sound where they are and they'll see you before you go."_

 _"_ _Go?" Anna stopped, "Am I dead?"_

 _"_ _No. But dreams open your mind in a way similar to that light people see between being dead and alive." The woman paced a moment, "I'm sure you're familiar with prophetic visions and dreams from the Bible, right?"_

 _Anna's brow furrowed, her lips pursing. "Are you God?"_

 _"_ _No," The woman laughed, holding up her hands. "I wouldn't dream of taking His job. I'd wreck it in a day."_

 _"_ _Then what are you?"_

 _"_ _I'm a angel, of sorts."_

 _"_ _Of sorts?"_

 _"_ _It'll get technically if I explain the hierarchy but, for the moment, all that matters is that I'm an angel and I'm here to help you."_

 _"_ _Help me do what?"_

 _"_ _Put some things to rest." She offered her hand, "I promise I don't bite."_

 _Anna waited one more moment and then took the woman's hand, descending the hill with her. "Do you have a name?"_

 _"_ _I have two names, actually."_

 _"_ _Everyone's got two names."_

 _The angel laughed, "No, not like a first name and a surname. I've got the name I used when I was alive, the name that forged an identity when I donned the mortal coil as it were. And now I've got the name I use in the execution of my angelic duties."_

 _"_ _Like a title?"_

 _"_ _More of a proper identifier." She paused, "We've all just forgotten who we are for a bit when we're alive and need some help to remember. That's the name we get when we get back. Our true name."_

 _"_ _And what is that?"_

 _"_ _Eve." She shook Anna's hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you Anna."_

 _"_ _I'm sure I'll say the same once I get to know you."_

 _"_ _Most do." Eve motioned for Anna to follow her. "There's not a lot of time for us to talk and you need to understand a few things before I let you go."_

 _"_ _Let me go?"_

 _Eve nodded, "Those dreams you've had, of Gwen and Emmy, were my creations. A… project, for lack of a better word, to help you overcome your grief."_

 _"_ _Project?"_

 _"_ _You're right, bad choice of words." Eve paused, framing her chin with two fingers. "Think of it more like a method of coping. Everyone works it differently but you needed to see them. You needed their presence to tell you what you already knew but wouldn't accept for yourself."_

 _"_ _And what's that?"_

 _"_ _That it's not your fault." Eve waved a hand and Anna saw her parents._

 _She went to run to them but Eve held her back. "Those are my parents."_

 _"_ _And they're not really there." Eve pointed to them. "They're representations of who they were the last time you saw them. That's it. They're just images from your mind."_

 _"_ _Why?"_

 _"_ _Because you think that if you'd gotten tired a bit sooner, maybe seen the clouds gathering overhead, you could've left the picnic before the rain slicked the roads and then you would've missed the lorry." Eve shrugged, "Maybe, but you've gone over it and over it in your mind until it's nothing but a sting."_

 _She waved her hand again and Anna saw Gwen, climbing into the car with her on the night of the storm. "You saved her you know."_

 _"_ _She died."_

 _"_ _She would've died if he'd finished with either of you." Eve pointed toward the distant image of Gwen and this time the image moved, coming toward Anna. "You saved your sister and that's the fact."_

 _"_ _It's true." Anna half-sobbed at the sound of Gwen's voice and threw her arms around her sister's shoulders to squeeze her tight. To convince herself that the woman before her was real. "You saved me Anna."_

 _"_ _I shouldn't have been driving in the rain."_

 _"_ _We should've have been in that house." Gwen pulled away, holding Anna at arms' length to see her clearly. "You can't blame yourself anymore. Let it go."_

 _"_ _But where will you go if I do?"_

 _"_ _I'll be alright." Gwen nodded at Eve, "I've got people like her to look out for me."_

 _"_ _And Emmy?" Anna used her hand to wipe at her eyes, "Who's looking out for her?"_

 _"_ _Me, for now." Gwen nodded over Anna's shoulder and she pivoted to see her little girl running toward her, legs flying all over the place as she sprinted over the grass._

 _Anna dropped to her knees and caught Emmy, wrapping her tightly to her chest. Emmy's little hands wove into her hair and the smell filling Anna's nostrils was Emmy. Everything about her felt, smelled, and sounded the same and it took everything Anna had to eventually release the little girl to Gwen's hold._

 _"_ _We'll take care of her." Gwen pulled a sparkler from nowhere and then handed one to Emmy. They both lit as if by thought and Gwen nodded toward the tree. "We'll wait there for you."_

 _Taking Emmy's hand in hers, Gwen ran for the tree and Anna watched as they both laughed with one another as their sparklers trailed a stream of bright flashes behind them. Her eyes clouded over and their forms vanished as she collapsed to tears. The hand at her shoulder had her noticing Eve crouching beside her._

 _"_ _It's alright you know, to miss them."_

 _"_ _But it'll be so long before I see them again."_

 _"_ _Not really." Eve shrugged, "Time's a gift to man. It doesn't really exist here so they'll be waiting for a moment and then, before you know it, you'll all be a family here again. Hopefully with more people to bring along the next time you pop by for a stay."_

 _"_ _How can you be sure?"_

 _"_ _Because you already know it is." Eve helped Anna stand, tapping on her chest just above her heart so Anna noticed a tingling sensation there. "You've got space there for them and they'll kept it well until you fill it again. There's room enough for everyone here."_

 _Anna nodded, rubbing over the spot, watching Gwen and Emmy in the background as she spoke to Eve. "Why do I get to see this and John doesn't?"_

 _"_ _Who says John hasn't seen it?" Eve winked, "I've got a soft spot for John Bates. We go way back."_

 _"_ _You do?"_

 _"_ _Yeah, I helped his grandfather a long time ago." Eve pointed to the distance. "And I'm needed there right now, as timing would have it, so this is where we part the ways."_

 _"_ _I thought you said time was a gift to man."_

 _"_ _I did, didn't I?" Eve winked, "Take care Anna and know, they're all alright and you'll be alright too. Maybe not completely, maybe not tomorrow, or the next day, but you'll find it hurts less over time and as you rebuild your life you'll find all the happiness you deserve."_

 _"_ _That's quite a promise."_

 _"_ _I've got the authorization to make it." Eve leaned forward to kiss both of Anna's cheeks and then pushed her backward. "Be happy Anna."_

* * *

Anna jerked awake, her limbs flailing as they spasmed. She sat up, the rush of the fall almost fading the sensations of the dream still filling every corner of her brain. With a maneuver on the mattress she shook John.

He was up in a moment, holding her close and looking over her. "Are you alright?"

"Very." Anna nodded, laughing and waiting for the start of the tears she knew would come at the same time. "I'm so very alright John."

"You're crying."

"Because it's all going to be alright John."

"Anna?" He frowned, looking over her and then trying to reach for the lamp stretched to its furthest from the wall toward their mattress.

Anna stopped him, pulling John back by the material of his shirt. "I saw them again John." He froze, holding her gaze in the yellow-orange glow from the street lamps outside their window "I saw Emmy and Gwen… and they're happy John. They're so incredibly happy."

"You saw them?"

Now Anna took her turn to frown. "Yes."

"Was it on the same hill, with the tree?"

"Yes."

"And there was someone else there?"

Anna froze, "How did you-"

"Because I saw them too." John smiled with Anna, his tears joining hers to patter down onto their skin as they held hands with one another. "They're happy Anna. They're so happy."

"Yes they are." Anna took a deep breath, "And they want us to be happy too."

"I know." John took a deep breath, "Do you think you're ready to try again?"

"No." Anna hurried to hold John's face as it fell. "I'm ready for us to start again."

John pulled her closer and it was almost like a dream. This time her nightshirt caught a bit around her head and they laughed as John helped to yank her free. And then again when John's sleep trousers tangled around his ankles. But their lips meeting in the oldest dance they both knew well brought them back to the moment.

Their careful touches and caresses moved to moans and firmer holds. John's tongue and teeth reacquainted themselves with Anna's breasts to bite and soothe until she cried out in ecstasy. Her lips made their own way over him and finally settled with a delicate serenade to his arousal until John forced her back. His lips took hers before she could argue.

"That'd defeat the purpose."

"But it'd be fun."

"How about when we've got another one on the way." He teased, fingers slipping through her folds.

And the teasing only continued when his tongue took their place. Each motion took Anna closer and closer to the edge before listening to the echo of her finish bounce back around the walls to her ears. She clawed at John to bring him closer and worked her leg over his hip to seat him inside her.

John made each motion count, thrusting with precision and care until Anna keened and whimpered under him. Her own adjustments slid him deeper and raised his voice to boom in the empty space as he increased speed. Soon they were nothing but a collection of emotions and urges that finally settled when they both could only remember the other's name.

They held one another, in the aftermath, Anna thinking of the place where their family waited for them. Her mind flipped for a moment to those who would join her family in the future and she drifted to sleep thinking of the eternal picnic she would have there, her family scattered about her. The smile that took over her lips lasted until morning peeked through their windows.


	8. When Demons Rear Their Heads

Anna shook her head, handing the paper back. "We're not taking anything less than a hundred percent of our employees staying on when the deal is done."

"I don't know if we can ask that." John took the paper back, "It's a fair offer, all things considered, and we need to consider this one before it's off the table."

"Then why do I feel like if we take it then we're selling out?"

"We're not selling out."

"It feels like we are."

John frowned at her, "That's the point. We're trying to sell this business."

"They'll need workers."

"Only if they don't already have them or if they just want to expand. Look," John took her hands. "We need to decide which matters more. Starting over or keeping the company."

"I want to say both."

"We both want to say that."

"But you can't?"

"But you won't." John waited as Anna settled back into her chair and crossed her arms over her chest, "It's a good offer Anna and they'll keep almost everyone."

"Is that the best we can ask for?"

"It's the best we're can expect."

"Can't we try again to negotiate for a hundred percent?"

"I don't think that's fair to them." John sucked the inside of his cheek. "We're getting exactly what we need to start over Anna and we need to think about what that means for us."

"What about them?"

"No," John shook his head, catching one of her hands. "Think about yourself for once Anna and do what's best for you and only you."

"Fine," Anna sighed, "Let's sign the contract and get our fresh start."

"You first." John handed over the pen and Anna signed it quickly, breathing out in a rush. "There, it's done and dusted."

"Not quite. There's still…"

"Hey," John put a hand over hers. "It's done. That's what we're going to say. For now, it's done."

"Fine." Anna nodded, "What do we do now?"

"Now," John stuffed the contract back into the envelope and handed it over to the lawyer standing to the side. "We're going to get food because I'm starving."

Anna took his hands and stood up from her chair. "Fine but I'm not eating anything with too much garlic."

"So Chinese is out then?" John opened the door for her, holding it as she walked through.

"Definitely not in the mood for everything soaked in oil." Anna shook hands with the buyers in the hallway. "Sorry for taking so long to make that decision."

"It's fine." The older woman waved a hand, "Dickie and I understand that this is your whole life and that's a difficult decision."

"Well we're glad we could hand it off to the most qualified people we know."

"It's been a pleasure." Dickie shook John's hand and then Anna's. "We're excited about what we can do with this company given that you've given us so much to work with."

"That's up to our scientists and workers." Anna put in, John giving her a look she ignored. "We do hope you'll keep on as many of them as possible."

"We're going to try." The older woman pivoted over her shoulder to see the warehouse below them. "It's a grand operation and we wouldn't want to throw any spanners into the works."

"Isobel's the one who'll keep this going and keep it ship shape and Bristol fashion." Dickie nodded at them and John helped Anna to the door. "It's in good hands."

"We know." John put a hand on Anna's arm and held the door open for her. "And now we're going to eat."

They drove through town and John finally located the Greek restaurant they liked. A hassle with parking followed before they could get seated and then settled into their places. John passed Anna a menu and she glazed over it.

"I'm not sure I'm really hungry." She put the menu down and John followed suit, his forehead creasing. "I'm fine, stop worrying."

"I always worry." John's hand covered hers, "You've not been eating lately."

"I've not been hungry." Anna leaned back, "Might be the stress."

"Over the sale? Or the move? Or the adoption? Or-"

"Alright." Anna put her other hand over John's, forcing him to look at her. "Enough with the worrying. I'll have some of yours, like I always do."

"Then I'm ordering an extra large basket of chips." John motioned for the waitress and gave the order before looking back at Anna. "When was the last time you menstruated?"

"Is this a conversation you want to have in a restaurant?" When John did not stop staring at her Anna shrugged. "I haven't been regular since Emmy died so I've really no idea."

"Then maybe we should see a doctor about it all." John shrugged, "Make sure you're alright."

"You think a doctor's going to tell me how to reduce stress without offering me drugs?" Anna shook her head, "What if we just settle for a holiday or a trip to a day spa?"

"We can schedule that as well since we've got nothing but time now." John paused, smiling. "Have you thought about what we could do now that we're wealthy and unattached?"

"We just bought a house."

"You know what I mean." John blew the paper end of his straw cover at her and Anna batted it away. "We could take as long as we like to decide what we'll do and how we'll do it."

"What about that dream we had, back at Uni?"

"I thought we built that dream, in the form of the company we just sold." John frowned, "What other dream?"

"The one where we talked about running your mother's bed and breakfast." Anna drew a line on the table, "I always liked that place."

"But we sold it, when she died." John shuddered. "Vera was all over it and the profits."

"What there were of them." Anna sighed, "We didn't have anything else after that but I did want to change that. To make it ours again."

"We could make a new one." John focused in another direction, "I don't want to touch that place since it's been in her hands."

"We could build anywhere." Anna traced the lines on his hand. "We could make a little bed and breakfast somewhere that's nice and quiet and lovely and… away from everything."

"I like the idea of being away from everything." John pulled out his phone, typing quickly.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm making notes to give to a relator." John glanced up, "That's what we want right?"

Anna smiled at him, taking her hands back as the waitress closed in on their table. "That's exactly what we want."

After a moment John finished and tucked his phone away. "I'm assuming we want it near York, right?"

"I don't want to have to travel too far so that's probably best." Anna reached across to snag a few of the chips from John's basket. She grinned when he went to stop her, "You wanted me to eat."

"Do I need to act like your mother and insist there's vegetable matter involved somewhere in your diet?"

"You've seen what I drink in the morning."

"I've seen what you choke down in the morning, that's not the same thing." John handled his gyro. "I meant something a bit more… delicious."

"Vegetables aren't delicious by design." Anna nabbed a few more chips. "But I'll eat a cucumber in front of you if you want."

"That might be nice." John paused, "Are you tired?"

"I do hope I'm not going to have to school my husband in the proper way to flirt with a woman." Anna reached for her glass, stopping for a moment when she caught the glint in his eyes. "What?"

"I'm hoping you're not tired because I'd like to take you back to the hotel and ravish you until we can't stand."

"Not unless you go to the trouble of brushing your teeth." Anna laughed, pointing at his gyro. "I'm not kissing you after all those onions."

"We'll see." John finished his gyro, pulling money out of his wallet to pay the bill. "And you should probably drink down one of those green things before you go to sleep tonight because you need some nutrients in your body."

"Why not just put me on a drip?"

"I'm thinking about it." John offered her his hand, "Come on, we've got plans to make."

"Plans like the adoption?"

"Or any of the other things we're hoping to do together." John held Anna close to him and leaned in for a kiss but she stopped him. "Seriously?"

"I told you. No kiss until there aren't any onions."

"First garlic and now onions." John frowned, putting the back of his hand to her forehead. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I told you, I'm fine."

"You love onions and you love garlic. It's never bothered you before now." John paused, "You do know that change in taste preference is sometimes linked to-"

"Don't say it because you'll just get my hopes up." Anna put her hand over his mouth. "I don't want to believe that there is anything going on because I don't want to think about something that could be that happy when there are more dangerous outcomes."

"Aren't we supposed to be more hopeful now?"

"But not ridiculous." Anna dragged him back toward the hotel. "I suppose you still want to make it all better right?"

"Make it all better?" John shook his head, "No, just to make it alright for right now. All there is to fix is right now."

"Maybe you should just write a book with all these little, pithy phrases you've got ready and waiting for me." Anna cuddled to his side, pulling his arm over her shoulder. "Someone else could benefit from your wisdom."

"Now you're just making fun."

"Maybe." Anna grinned at him, adjusting her position slightly to reach into her pocket and pull out her vibrating phone. "Hello?"

"Have you seen any papers today?"

"Depends on what kind of papers you're talking about Mary." Anna shook her head at John. "I assume you're not going to be that cryptic for the entirety of this conversation are you?"

"Your asshole uncle published his book."

"What of it?" Anna paused, "I don't plan on buying it."

"It means you've got reporters knocking on your door hoping to find you for answers so I'd suggest you not go home."

"I'm in London so there's really no problem of that happening." Anna paused, putting up a finger to stop John. "What do they want to know?"

"They want to know about you and your story."

"I've got nothing to say to them and if they try to ask me questions I'll sick my husband on them." Anna took a breath, "Is it serious?"

"Do I sound like your agent?"

"You sound like my friend."

"It could be serious." Mary's voice held steady on the other end but Anna thought she could hear the clack of heels pacing a floor. "Anna, I think you need to get ahead of this."

"How? Even entertaining it is-" Anna did not finish her sentence as John pulled the phone from her grip and held it to his ear.

"Mary? Yes this is John. What can you do to help us get ahead of this?" He waited a moment, "I know you're not an agent but you do public relations work and you know how to handle this. What do we do?"

Anna waited for John hand her back the phone and slid it into her pocket as he finished. "What did she say?"

"She wants us on a talk show with that psychopath."

"That's it?"

John stopped, "You'd do that?"

Anna pushed her hands into her pockets, running the toe of her shoe along the pavement as she suddenly found it very fascinating. "I might've… confronted him when I first went back to the house."

"Why?"

"I was confused and…" Anna shrugged, "It's the only thing left in my life that feels unresolved and…"

"What?"

Anna met John's eyes. "I want to resolve it."

"By confronting him on television?"

"By calling him on the bullshit he'll feed the public if he gets even one chance to have them believe him." Anna took a deep breath, "I need to finish this."

"We should leave it alone."

"And I would've if he didn't bring it all back to the surface." Anna opened her arms and motioned around them. "I wanted to leave it all in the past but now that it's here we need to acknowledge that it's not going away on its own."

John chewed the inside of his cheek. "Can I ask if there's anything else I should know about any of that? I know about Gwen now but was there anything else you didn't tell me because you wanted to leave it in the past?"

Anna shook her head, "We're all caught up now. There's nothing left to tell."

"Good." John tucked Anna under his arm again, "Because I'm not going in there unarmed."

"Now you need to write that book."

John tickled her.

They walked back to their hotel room, Anna kicking off her shoes as John excused himself to the en suite. She flicked her eyes in the direction of the bathroom and waited until she could hear him singing over the sounds of water. A smile spread over her face and she laid back on the bed while fumbling for the television remote.

It mocked her from the bedside table and Anna worked herself onto her hands and knees to crawl for it. Just before her fingers could close over it, John's fingers slipped under her shirt and ran under her waistband. She staggered, catching herself with an arm underneath her, and turned over her shoulder to see John's grin.

And his naked body.

"What's gotten into you?"

"I promised I'd ravish you once we got back to the hotel." He kissed her lower back, sliding her ever-so-gently over the duvet and then turning her so he could lean over her body. "And since I brushed my teeth…"

"After that conversation on the phone you're still in the mood?"

"I'm a man, we're always in the mood." John laughed with her, kissing over Anna's neck. "But if you're not then I could just self-manage."

"As much as I enjoy watching you," Anna twisted to force John to look at her. "I do actually want you to ravish me."

"You do?"

"You might be surprised by this but," Anna snaked a hand between them and gripped John's erection, squeezing it just as he preferred. "I'm always in the mood for you too."

"Even when there's garlic or onions or-"

"Being in the mood and having stipulations isn't the same thing." Anna draped her over arm over John's neck to pull herself high enough to kiss him while her other hand continued to stroke his hardening arousal. "And since you taste like mint I think I want to continue this conversation in the least verbal way possible."

"Your wish is my command."

John took her mouth and pressed Anna back down to the bed. Her shirt almost caught in her hair but they managed to get it and her trousers onto the floor as quickly as they could, leaving her bra and knickers for only as long as John needed not to tear them from her body. They hit the floor as well and John took advantage of the moment he had to shift his fingers to her hips and hold her steady.

For a moment Anna feared he might slow his pace. Her hand covered one of his and forced it between her legs, spreading them wider. When he went to speak she used her other hand at the back of his neck to pull him into a bruising kiss only matched in intensity by the lift of her hips to slide his fingers where she wanted them.

There was no way to disguise the groan he made into her mouth, tongue sweeping the interior with all the skill and practice of a thousand similar circumstances. Her legs wrapped over his hips to keep him where he was as Anna rode the fingers John deftly glided into her. With scrambling hands and nails digging into his skin, Anna chased the flirtation of a high with every gyration and motion she could manage until his name left her lips in a sudden gust.

Even had she wanted to rest for a moment, to regain her breath, her frenzied search bled into John. His hands left her hips and her folds in a rush. One that had Anna pulling his mouth back to hers to chase the taste of herself he left when he sucked his fingers clean. But his other arm snaked under her body to pull her close as he stood.

Anna tightened the hold of her arm around his shoulder as they lifted and gasped out when her back hit the wall hard. He paused, eyes searching hers for signs of pain, but she just pulled him closer with one arm as the other worked between them to stroke and tug at his arousal. John slid forward, running it along her folds and striking her clit with his pubic bone and her hand to break her concentration with gasps and moans.

When it became too much for Anna, she held the back of his shoulders and pushed herself up so John could thrust into her. They paused, holding still as he sat fully inside her, and breathed as one in the sliver of eternity that was theirs in that second. A moment later John moved and it was a race to the finish.

She tightened her legs, digging into the flesh of his ass with one hand and both of her ankles, and held firmly to his shoulders to work the angle of her body so John could strike as deeply inside her as possible with each drive. The thump of their bodies set a steady beat to which the sounds of their slick bodies moving against one another harmonized. The melody formed of their cries and whines until Anna's hand as his ass worked in a contortionist motion to caress his sack and his fingers returned to their skilled occupation at her clit. Neither could speak, both wondering how they barely breathed, and they moved together with each deep plunge that John took after he drew back to just the edge.

Anna came first, her body succumbing to the overwhelming sensations to fall over the edge of the abyss. John followed right after her, his head on her shoulder and the sag of their bodies almost ending in a comical drop to the floor. He pulled free and maneuvered them to the bed, laying them across its surface. She moved closer to him, ignoring everything but the feel of him near her.

Eventually John adjusted, turning his head to look at her. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why didn't you want me to go slow?" His fingers shifted a bit of hair that had fallen over her forehead and stuck there in the sweaty results of their activity.

"I needed to feel something deeper than that."

"Because of everything that's happened?"

"A bit." Anna shrugged, her own fingers tracing the path of the hair on his chest. "I just wanted us to… I don't know."

"Stop treating each other like we're made of glass?"

"Yes." Anna managed a small smile. "And it's nice, sometimes, to have it hard and fast."

"It's always hard for you."

Anna swatted at his shoulder, "If I meant that I would just straddle you right now."

"I know." John caught her hands, kissing over her hands. "But I guess we're still trying to find out who we are now."

"You'd think we'd know."

"With everything we've gone through over the last year?" John shook his head, face falling a bit. " I just… I wish I hadn't been such a fool. We could've grown together when this all started."

"We're together now." Anna put a finger over his mouth, stopping him. "And we've worked hard to get where we are so can that be enough? For now let's stop apologizing for the past and move forward together. We're together now and that's what matters and that, Mr. Bates, is where I'm focusing."

"The future?"

"The future." Anna agreed and pushed herself up from the bed. "I think I should take a turn with the shower."

"Wait." Anna went to turn but John's hand at her back stopped her, keeping her facing away from him. "There's something we need to manage first."

"What?"

"Well." John kissed over her shoulder, shifting them to stand from the bed and then spinning them so Anna's hands supported on the bed. "I think we need to take another minute to stop treating one another like glass."

"And how will you manage that?"

"Very carefully." Anna matched the grin she could feel him leaving on her shoulder.

And then he laid kisses there. The patterns he traced over her skin were nonsense and circuitous. He left liberal affection where her back hit the wall and Anna bit her lip when his touched on tender muscles she knew would bruise and yellow in a day or so. But when his hands massaged over her hips and back, moving up to caress and hold her breasts, she moaned and leaned into his hold.

His hands held her steady, his shoulders shifting to support her trembling legs when he spread them. A moment later his tongue slipped up to trace and lick over her clit and folds. Anna's hands twisted into the bed covers as his mouth and fingers touched and lavished attention where her still sensitive nerves sparked up again from their sated slumber.

She twisted, trying to better reach his mouth, but John kept her where he wanted until Anna almost collapsed at the thrill of her climax running through her. His skin on hers barely registered as her body tried to come back down from her high and it was not until he thrust into her that Anna even noticed his hands returned to her breasts. The kisses over her cheek had her moving her head to meet his lips in the sloppy attempt to return his care. Her taste there sent her into overdrive and she moved on him hungrily.

They slipped, John's footing shifting on the carpet, and Anna caught herself on her arm. From her position she maneuvered her other arm between them to reach for him. The grunt into her shoulder, his seizure of her lips, and the snap of his hips against her ass only drove Anna to move faster.

There was no time for words as they moved with a synchronicity they had not had in some time. Each desire and wish met with almost telepathic response until Anna trembled into her orgasm and John's body stuttered to follow. Their final movements, weak and perfunctory, had them crawling over one another to lay back down on the bed.

Legs tangled, arms woven together, and their bodies pressed as tightly as they could manage, they collapsed there. Anna held John as close as her boneless limbs would allow and kissed him. He smiled and they only stared at one another until both of their eyes shut.


	9. Where the Weak Fear to Tread

Anna took a deep breath, trying to ignore the woman with a hand down her shirt to arrange the cord for the microphone now clipped to her collar. She peeked over at John, standing with a man arranging the microphone pack on his trousers, and smiled. He returned the expression before extending his arms as the assistant checked for kinks in the line.

"Alright Mrs. Bates," Anna started as the blonde woman motioned for her to stand. "Just have to make sure it's all settled in there."

"Is it always this difficult?" Anna extended her arms as well and blinked away from the woman hurrying to apply foundation to her. "I've already got-"

"The lights'll wash you if she doesn't." The blonde woman shrugged, making an apologetic face. "Better to look like a pumpkin back here than a ghost on television."

"Is it?" Anna gave a little laugh and tried not to move as three other people descended on her to finish touch ups.

"I have to say," She focused on the woman fixing the last of the microphone issues. "I think what you're doing is really brave."

"Do you?"

"Absolutely." The woman hooked the pack onto Anna's waistband. "To face him like this it's… it's empowering."

"I don't feel very empowered." Anna paused, "What's your name?"

"Rose, Rose Aldridge." She pointed over her shoulder. "My husband's the one with his hands all over your husband."

"Lucky him." Anna smiled, "I wish my hands could be all over my husband at the moment."

"I'm sure there'll be time for that later." Rose grinned back, "But if it helps you relax then just imagine what you'll do to him when you get home. That always helps me get through a difficult day."

"Does it?" Anna closed her eyes in time for someone to apply more liberal eye shadow to the point it practically caked her eyelids. "I'm not feeling any more relaxed."

"Then maybe thinking of coitus isn't the best idea." Rose stepped back as Anna opened her eyes. "You're on in five. Just don't touch the microphone or the pack. It'll turn itself on and off when you enter and exit the stage."

"Really?"

"Yeah, they've got sound guys where that's their only job." Rose motioned the other women away. "Just remember, you're not alone up there. You've got your husband and all of us women out there rooting for you against that slimy bastard."

"Thank you." Anna took a deep breath and waited for the women to leave before walking over to where John paced. "I don't think they want you wearing a hole in their floor."

"I don't think I want to be here in general." John shrugged, "It is what it is I guess."

"If you don't want to then-"

"No," John covered Anna's hands with his. "I'm here and we're doing this."

"Did you ever imagine you'd signed up for this when you married me?"

"It wouldn't've mattered. I'd have married you anyway." John smiled and kissed her knuckles. "Because I would've married you however, whenever, whatever and that's not changed one bit."

"Not even for the tiniest fraction of a moment?"

"No," John tightened his hold on her hand. "You're stuck with me."

"For good and proper." Anna kissed his cheek and then wiped her mouth on a tissue. "They've painted you up too."

"Sorry, I should've suggested against touching my face until I can take sandpaper to the level of makeup they've got on there." John shuddered. "You never wear this much right?"

"Never needed to." Anna looked herself over in the mirror. "Rose was right, I look like a pumpkin."

"Then I guess we'll have to look like pumpkins together."

"Bateses, you're up." Someone motioned for them to come to the curtain and Anna gripped John's hand for them to walk together. "And three, two, go."

The lights glared in Anna's eyes and she forced herself to look to the side so they did not bind her. Their host stuck his hand toward them and John took the lead so as to not sacrifice his hold on Anna. She managed an awkward exchange before following the cues to put her on the sofa next to the John with the host's table between them and another sofa. A shiver passed through her and her fingers slipped in John's hold but he did not let go.

"Good evening and welcome back. This is _Expose_ and I'm your host, Terrance Sampson. I've got with me here John and Anna Bates, subjects in the recently released book by Mr. Alex Green entitled, _Fiction Became Fact._ Now, Mrs. Bates, or Anna. Can I call you Anna?"

"I'm not sure," Anna swallowed, "Can you?"

Sampson laughed with his teeth but Anna noticed how the smile never reached his eyes. "Pretty and witty, no wonder you've got a husband on your arm. I bet you had to fight them away with a stick."

"Actually it was a piece of broken dishware." Anna tried to keep her smile plastered on, noting the fall to the host's face. "That is what we're here to discuss isn't it?"

"I guess it is." Sampson turned to the audience, who hushed. "Let's bring out our other guest for this evening, Mr. Alex Green."

Anna's body froze, her eyes fixed on the other side of the room where Alex Green emerged. The year since she last saw him, beating at his door for answers, brought him into focus. Gone was the matted growth over his face and the yellow stains to his teeth. His suit fit well and his hair combed back to bring a glint to his eye that gave him back the terrifying charm Anna remembered.

John's thumb smoothing over her hand brought her back to the present and she brought her other hand over to clutch at him. Her solid foundation and her rock. He sat there to support her, like he always had and always would. They were one another's port in the storm, in this case as in all others.

"Mr. Green we're so grateful you agreed to meet with us today and let us have this moment to clear up some confusion."

"There's no confusion, Terrance." Alex turned his gaze to Anna. "I'm innocent."

"Then may I ask why you took a plea deal and served time so many years ago?"

"It's what you do when the system's against you." Alex directed his next words to the camera. "I was viciously attacked by my nieces and I suffered the result of that. They were… unhinged and in need of serious help."

"Help?" Sampson shifted in his chair toward Alex. "What kind of help?"

"Mental. I don't think they ever recovered fully after the death of their parents and that effected how they saw me. I became the bad guy for trying to take their parents' place as a guardian and protector so when they finally cracked… Well," Alex faced Anna, "I guess we all know that the delusions of Mrs. Bates led her to drive her car off a bridge in the accident that killed her sister."

"That's a bold statement Mr. Green." Sampson faced Anna, "Any rebuttal?"

Anna took a deep breath and stood up from the sofa. Everyone in the room froze as she disconnected her microphone and left it on Sampson's desk. Her eyes never left Alex's and a hint of fear showed there. But all she did was remove the wire from her shirt and walk off the stage.

John's footfalls followed her, his hand seeking hers again, and he held her close as she walked back to the green room. They took their seats on a sofa as Anna's legs trembled too much to hold her up any longer. He embraced her as the tears started.

"It's going to be alright." His hand combed through her hair, catching a bit on the liberal amount of hairspray that they lathered on when she arrived. "You don't have to go back out there."

Anna just continued to cry, her tears making tracks through the heavy makeup on her face to stain John's shirt. When she noticed she tried to brush it away but it only smeared more and she cried harder. John glanced down and laughed a bit, shushing Anna's attempts to apologize.

"It's just a shirt. I can buy a new one and we'll never even know." John paused, a smirk edging at the corners of his mouth. "Besides, you like me better out of my shirt anyway."

Anna laughed, wiping away her tears on her hand and then trying to scrub off the orange stain there with a tissue. "Not here though."

"Definitely not here. It's bad form to show everyone what they're missing." John grinned again, cupping her face between his hands. "We'll get through this."

"I thought I could do it. I thought I could look that man in the face and tell him I was finished with him ruining my life. I thought I could take whatever he could throw at me because he's nothing and then…" Anna's voice caught and she coughed to try and clear her throat as more tears worked their way down her face. "And I realized it wouldn't matter. Whatever I say it's… It's not going to matter. It won't change the lies he'll tell and it won't change what happened."

"What do you want to do now Anna?" John waited, watching her. "Whatever you want to do, just tell me and we'll do it. It won't matter what it is."

She took a deep breath and looked at him. "Let's go home. Let's finally let all of this go and go home."

"Alright then." John moved, making a noise as his back arched. "What the-"

Anna reached around and pulled the microphone pack off his belt. "This."

"See," John tapped his finger against it before threading the wire through his shirt. "These things are possibly the most annoying accouterment I've ever worn."

"They're pretty ridiculous aren't they?" Anna wrapped the cord around her fingers and laid it on the table next to the device. "We won't need them where we're going."

"No we won't." John kissed her forehead and then gagged. "Alright, first order of business is to wash this crap off our faces as soon as possible."

"Hear, hear." Anna stood grabbing her things and waiting as John opened the door. They went to walk out of the room and almost ran into a hallway full of people. As they came into view the hall started clapping and Anna opened her mouth to look at John for clarification.

He shrugged and raised a hand to hush them. "What's going on?"

"We're here to support you." Rose stepped forward, wiping at her eyes. "The minute you left the stage the crowd just booed Green off. They didn't want anything to do with him or what he had to say."

"Then what's-" Anna stepped back as Sampson pressed through, trying to reach them.

"We'd like to finish the interview, Mrs. Bates. It'll just be you and your husband."

Anna flicked her eyes up to John and then back to Sampson. "Thank you for the offer, Mr. Barrow, but I've no interest in reliving this anymore. You've heard all I've got to say about it and that's it."

"You're taking your story elsewhere?"

"No. I'm keeping it to myself. It's been told to those who needed to hear it and the rest… Well, I don't bloody care what the rest do about it. It's none of their damn business." Anna took John's hand. "We're going home."

The crew applauded again as Anna and John wove through them to leave the building.

* * *

Anna tapped her fingers along the arm of her chair, her legs crossing and uncrossing as John turned the page in his book. She glanced at him and then at the woman on the other side of the room. Her hand rested on a protruding abdomen while the man next to her tried to occupy a rather fussy toddler.

She sighed and heard John chuckle to himself. "What?"

"I'm starting to think maybe I could say 'I told you so' but I value my life." John turned another page, glancing at her for a moment. "You said you wouldn't get bored."

"I'm not bored." Anna flipped legs again, scowling at John's raised eyebrow. "It's nerves."

"They could settle if you had something to occupy your time."

"I wouldn't take in a word the way I'm going and you know it." Anna rested her head back against the wall. "I don't know why I let you talk me into this."

"You wanted to see if it was possible." John marked his place in the book and pivoted in his chair to take her hand. "I'm sorry it's taken so long with the adoption paperwork."

"It's bureaucracy." Anna jumped when the door opened and the nurse appeared.

"Anna Bates?" He scanned the room, smiling as John and Anna came toward him. "Doctor Ryder'll see you now."

He led them down the halls to an office and knocked once before letting them inside. Anna shuffled into the room and extended her arm almost mechanically to shake Doctor Ryder's. John shook as well, helping Anna into a seat before taking his own.

"I take it you're not normally so catatonic." Doctor Ryder sat back behind his desk and Anna only nodded, swallowing heavily. "It's normal to be nervous and I have to thank you both for taking the time to get me your medical records."

"Did it tell you why we're having such a problem conceiving?" John moved to the edge of his seat and Doctor Ryder focused on him.

"It told me a great deal. First off, that your first child was a miracle given the state of Mrs. Bates's cervix and that it's part of the reason you're having such trouble now."

"What's wrong with me?" Anna's fingers scrabbled to find John's and interlace with his. "Am I not able to have other children?"

"It's not that at all. In general you've a very healthy uterus and you're healthy enough to conceive. The problem is that you've got an incompetent cervix. Based on your medical records I'd attribute the initial damage to your assault when you were younger. Carrying your first child to full term put additional strain on you and, based on your records, the birth wasn't an easy one."

"Emmy wasn't an easy birth, no." Anna's voice quieted and she clenched her jaw, only relaxing when John's thumb skated over the back of her hand.

"Then the issue is that you've just taken some damage. But it's an easy fix to get your next one healthy and here on time." Doctor Ryder put his hands together on the desk. "I need to ask a personal question that might be a bit painful."

"More painful than what you already know?" John frowned and Doctor Ryder coughed.

"How many times have you miscarried in the last eighteen months Mrs. Bates?"

Anna looked at the floor, John's other hand covering hers. "Three."

"And each time it was about the same? Significant abdominal pain followed by heavy bleeding?"

"Yes."

"Then it's what I suspected." He wrote something on a pad and tore it off to hand to Anna. "When you next conceive, call me and we'll set up an appointment for the stitch. Once it's in you'll carry just fine and then, right before baby's due, we'll remove it. It's a simple procedure that, I admit, has a few risks but they're nominal."

"Is it always successful?"

"I'd say about ninety eight percent of my patients, once they've had the procedure, find themselves carrying a child to term within a year." Doctor Ryder waited but neither of them spoke. "If that's all then I suggest we see one another next when you're pregnant."

"Thank you Doctor." John shook his hand first, Anna following his example.

"It's been very helpful."

"I endeavor to be so." He nodded at them, "I hope Mr. Parker'll be sufficient help to you as you leave."

"I'm sure he'll be fine."

"Good. Andy?" Doctor Ryder waited at the door as the nurse from earlier returned. "Please show Mr. and Mrs. Bates to scheduling so they can work out when they'll need to be in next."

"Yes sir." He led them through the corridors and back to the main desk. "I know Doctor Ryder's the best so you're in good hands."

"He was recommended by a friend so we're sure he's the best." John spoke for Anna, taking care of the final paperwork and shaking Andy's hand. "Thank you for your help."

"Anytime." He nodded at them and left them to make their way out of the building on their own.

They walked through the carpark, John opening Anna's door for her and then walking around the car to his side. He got behind the wheel and went to turn the key but Anna's hand rested on his. "Not yet."

"Anna?"

She took a deep breath, her focus on nothing in particular but remained staring forward. "What if… What if we can't?"

"Then we'll find another way." John kissed her fingers. "I only need you, Anna."

"I think I need more than just us." Anna faced John, "I'm afraid to admit it but I need a child John. I need someone who'll be there for us when we get old. Someone to help us when I can't care for you anymore or when you can't care for me. Someone to love us when we forget who we are."

She heaved a shuddering breath, "And I'm afraid we won't have that."

"We will."

Anna snorted, kissing John's hand. "Do you never doubt?"

"No." He leaned over to press his lips to her forehead. "But I don't doubt the sun'll rise in the east either."

"Then I'll trust in you for the moment."

"Only until you get your trust in yourself back." John winked at her. "Then you're on your own."

They drove back to their hotel, John sliding his keycard into the door and holding it open for Anna. She waited just inside the door for him and, when he finally pivoted to move into the room, she pulled him toward her. Their eyes met but they said nothing.

Words were unnecessary.

Anna's fingers and hands moved over his clothing, pushing the jacket from his shoulders to leave it in a heap on the floor. They walked backward, toeing out of their shoes so Anna crawled backward onto the bed to get on her knees so their mouths were in line. Even then they did not touch, just watched each other as they worked clothing to the floor.

John's shirt went next, over his head in a moment before his belt buckle clinked. Anna worked the belt loose and then freed his trousers to drop onto the floor. For a moment John dropped his eyes so he could get his socks off and Anna bit back a giggle at the unromantic side of a basic necessity.

But when he faced her again the humor was gone. They worked Anna's shirt off next and she had to work her own awkward shuffle to remove her trousers and still stay level with John. Somehow they managed to get them to the floor so all either of them wore was their underwear.

With a raise of an eyebrow at Anna's crooked finger, John climbed onto the bed while she shuffled backward. He laid out, stretching to his fullest as Anna straddled his thighs. Her hands sculpted the familiar muscles there and followed the contours of his skin and the material of his briefs. John sucked in a breath as she skated her hands under the fabric to tease at him and then lost all his air when Anna yanked his briefs down to expose him.

Again her fingers and hands proved their dexterity and practice. She stroked and skated, squeezed and handled him until John clutched at the sheets under him. When his voice only wheezed hoarse responses to her touches, Anna lowered her head and took him in her mouth.

If he was wrecked before than now he was inconsolable. Each lap of her tongue or hard suck left him muttering and moaning. When his hips bucked toward her Anna dug her fingers into his thighs to keep her position until John came.

When he finished, his chest caving deeply as he sucked in air, Anna sat up and moved his briefs from the bed to the floor. As she moved back up, John shifted her so her legs dragged along the bed and her hands stopped herself on the wall. She looked down at him, the haze in his eyes still evident but the gleam came through to send a shiver through Anna's body.

He situated her and a tug on her thighs brought her down so John could run his tongue along her. Anna clutched at the fake headboard glued to the wall and held there for leverage as John ate at her. Each rock and gyration of her hips brought his mouth closer and soon his fingers worked over her to heighten the sensations. Her fingers whitened on the headboard and a moment later they released when she did.

Anna tried to sag back but John's mouth continued. She struggled for a moment, trying to move, but John held her still. His tongue sent her eyes rolling back into her head and his fingers worked her harder to take the sparking of her nerves and the shivers running through her blood to send her into her second orgasm.

As she sagged this time, John helped slide her back so she could lean against his raised legs. Her back rested on them and Anna noticed her knickers and bra still confined her, though her knickers were now damp from John's tongue and her two journeys over the edge. With a shuffle and a near tumble from the bed, bringing laughter to them both, Anna finally made herself as naked as her husband.

She shifted, supporting her hands on his chest, and rubbed herself forward on his rising arousal. They moved slowly, mindful of mutual sensitivity and the exhaustion that threatened them both on the edge of pleasure, but Anna spread her legs and slid over John until he seated himself deeply inside her. For a moment they just stayed there to gain the full effect of the action.

Their eyes met and Anna moved. Her fingers clawed to hold herself up and John's fingers dug into her thighs. The gyrations and rocking motions gave them both the sensations they needed until Anna leaned forward enough to make each of John's strikes hit exactly where her body still cried for attention. Attention she followed until her final climax had her shouting out his name. John did not hold on much longer and his finish struck a more guttural chord with his groan of Anna's name in return.

Anna slumped forward onto John's chest, leaving him inside her as her strength gave out. His arm wrapped around her weakly and then flopped back to the bed. She kissed his shoulder and slipped sideways, staying close but making no move to keep herself entwined with him.

They just breathed together in the darkening room until both evened to sleep. Their fingers interlaced and held together as their eyes closed. In the quiet they found peace and rest.


	10. Invictus Maneo

Anna put a hand to her lower back, groaning as she stood. John was at her side immediately, hands all over her and a look of worried terror in his eyes. She sighed, patting his hand.

"It's just back pain. She's not due for another four months."

"But still. You're in pain and-"

"And I was chasing the twins around the garden earlier and I've been weeding. Neither are great on the back." She removed her phone from her pocket and frowned at the screen. "Did you remember that we've got an appointment today?"

"Afternoon booking." John pushed her toward the house. "I've got it all taken care of so you can take a nap."

"I'm pregnant, not an invalid."

"I don't want anything to-"

"John," Anna turned, grabbing his hands and waiting until he stopped fidgeting to speak. "It's alright. I'm alright, the baby's alright, and the twins'll be alright. In fact they'll be right little terrors when they wake up from their nap so I think we should get something ready for them to eat."

"But I can take care of that."

Anna narrowed her eyes at John and then stepped closer to him, moving his hands around her so she could wrap hers around his waist. "Why don't you take care of me?"

"That's what I'm trying to do."

"That's not what I meant."

"I don't…" John paused, his mouth dropping open as his eyes widened. "Are you serious?"

"I'm not getting sick anymore and since I've got about twice the blood running through my system right now there's nothing I want more than for my husband to strip me naked and have sex with me."

"Out here?" John turned his head over his shoulder to examine the garden and did not duck in time to miss the swat Anna landed on his shoulder. "I'm only teasing."

"No you're not but that's fine." Anna sighed, rubbing over his arm and nodding toward the distant tree. "Think the new one we planted'll grow?"

"Mr. Moseley said it was the best breed for it." John kissed her head, "And I think another tree belongs there."

"With three little rose bushes." Anna managed a little smile, "They'll grow just fine with his help."

"Mr. Moseley's incredibly proud of his roses and he wants weekly updates." John shuddered, "It's like babysitting the child of an overprotective parent."

"Do much of that when Mary was younger?"

"I wasn't around when Mary was younger so, no, I didn't babysit the Crawley girls." John steered Anna inside, "But I do wonder how we explain to our guests about the little shrine we've made on the hill."

"It's harder to explain the shrine of pictures over our mantle."

"That's easy." John guided Anna into the sitting room and pointed to the two family pictures over the fireplace. "This was our family before and this is our family now."

The first picture was of John and Anna, with Emmy on her father's shoulders, at the Chester Zoo. The colors were slightly faded but the glass gleamed like it had sat face-down to avoid dust. Next to it was a picture with Anna with her protruding abdomen and John wrangling two little boys with dark skin at the same zoo.

Anna touched the picture frames, grinning to herself as she dusted them a bit. "I wish we could get a picture of Gwen and the others up here."

"Do you have any of Gwen?"

"No," Anna shook her head. "Most of my things got lost in the move. Once the State took on my case I had what I could pack into a suitcase and a duffle. I lost everything else since he never kept any of it."

"I'm sorry." John wrapped around her from behind, setting his chin on the top of her head. "Maybe we could get an artist to do it."

"What?" Anna turned in his grip. "How'd you mean?"

"There's got to be someone with skill out there who could draw us up something." John turned, pointing to the bare wall over their sofa. "Right there. It'd be a landscape, with that white tree in the background, and it'd had Gwen and Emmy and the three little ones all playing as they waited for us."

Anna pulled John to her and squeezed him so tightly the child in her stomach kicked a bit. They separated, John rubbing his hand over the spot and then kissing Anna. "It'll be lovely. She'll be lovely."

"I know I shouldn't be picky but I was so glad when they said it was a little girl." Anna joined John's hand, slipping her fingers through his to trace over the shape. "I want another bright-eyed, beautiful, blonde girl we can hold and love and adore until she's not a little girl anymore."

"And then we'll love her all the more." John placed his lips near Anna's again, the grin stretching over his face. "Were you serious about the offer to have me divest you of all of your clothes?"

"I never joke about that." Anna grinned back and pushed John towards the stairs. "But we'll have to hurry or they'll be up and then we've lost our chance."

They managed the stairs and hurried into their bedroom, John leaving the door just cracked enough that they could hear anything from the hallway that separated their room from the three others on their floor. The moment he turned back to Anna her hands were on him. In a struggle against fabric and time they managed to get his shirt to the floor and dropped his jeans near the dress Anna shimmed off herself.

But for all their hurry and their worry, the moment they could touch one another again they slowed. Anna used her height to kiss over his chest while John walked her back toward the bed. Given her altered shape it made their more traditional positions a little more awkward and delicate but they finally managed to get on top of the sheets with John on his side, facing Anna.

She wanted nothing more than to kiss him. To trace over every contour and dip in his skin until she could recreate him from memory. With each sweep of her hand John deepened the kiss or changed the angle or matched with a teasing motion over her. It almost became a competition until they both managed to reach where they needed the other.

Slowing down again, not wanting to rush even with their limited time, Anna wrapped her hand around him and turned her wrist to lazy strokes that thickened and hardened John with grunts and gasps of approval. Sounds she returned when his lips decided to leave their own markings over her skin and adore the skin of her breasts. Anna shifted closer to him, taking a hand to his ass to hold him in place before gripping the back of his neck and forcing his mouth to hers again.

That did not distract John as she thought it would because the next moment she was on her back and he leaned over her. He avoided her lips entirely and shifted his focus down her body. Each patch of skin he could find, John covered in kisses and caresses until there was nothing left for Anna to do but relax and settle into the mattress.

Her body positively hummed and John's gentle nudge at her legs opened them completely for his shoulders to settle between them. Anna dug her fingers into his hair when he set his experienced and skilled mouth to work at her core. Between his tongue and his fingers there was nothing for Anna to do but hold on and whisper unnecessary commands until it took every ounce of energy she had left not to cry out in pleasure and wake their napping children.

John sat back, giving a final lick as he did, and Anna flailed to reach him. Instead of covering her body as she thought, John positioned himself to her side. Anna shifted onto her side to allow John to spoon behind her. One of his hands worked under her and ran fingers over her stomach while the other returned to her still-sparking nerves.

His leg separated hers but Anna barely noticed. She adjusted herself into John's grip when his hand left her extended abdomen and caressed her larger breasts again. But his other hand did not remain idle and it forced Anna into an odd twist to try and keep herself chasing the pleasure, literally at John's hands, between her overly sensitive breasts and her sopping slit. In a few moments she came again.

But there was no time to exult in her husband working her twice over. He nudged toward her and Anna spread her leg farther back over his hip to open herself to him. John sank forward and, in a few rocking motions, sat fully inside her.

They rested together, holding as close as they could to one another, and only moved when neither could stop the way their bodies twitched. Anna clutched at the back of John's neck, forcing his mouth to hers, and the arm still covering her torso. She moved as much as she could, given the confines of their position and the child kicking under her ribcage, but John had to take most of the slack.

Within a few minutes he came, biting into her shoulder to silence himself. Anna sighed, almost laughing to herself, and then gasped at the sensation of John's fingers dragging over her again. His body still stuttered, working the final motions from his system before he could withdraw, and his hand fluttered desperately to send her over the edge with him one last time.

And Anna fell again. Not quite so explosively or with as many fireworks exploding behind her eyes but with a calm ease. They settled, John shifting from behind her so Anna could lay on her back, and put his arm around so he could caress over her stomach. She put her hand over his, their eyes meeting but saying nothing.

A sound in the hallway startled them both and Anna hurried to grab her clothes but John stumbled to the door first, closing it with a snap. He grinned at Anna before moving to their en suite bathroom to grab a flannel. Anna lay back as John rubbed her down and then himself, tossing the rag away to grab his clothes.

"What is it?"

"Our children are up."

"Then I'll-" Anna went to rise but John put a hand to her shoulder and pushed her back.

"I can handle them."

"But you've got the check in this afternoon."

"It'll be fine." John kissed her forehead and then her lips. "Please, for me, take a nap."

"Fine." Anna pulled a pillow under her head and lay still for John to cover her with a blanket. "But if I hear crying then-"

"Then you'll come and solve the problem like you always do." John moved loose hairs from Anna's face. "Sleep for now. We know you'll not get enough of it in a few months."

"Too bad you can't store it in reserve." Anna mumbled into her pillow, smiling when she heard John's laugh.

A few hours later the smell of cooking woke her and Anna forced herself from the bed. She maneuvered back into her knickers and bra, debating wearing the same dress before finally putting it back on. For the half second she caught herself in the mirror the first thought was she looked like a potato sack while the second had her touching her stomach with both hands. A foot pressed against it her hand and Anna pressed back. She could handle looking like a potato sack.

Taking the stairs to the kitchen she caught sight of John, with one son on his shoulders and the other standing on tiptoe on the stool next to him, detailing how to make a sauce. Anna leaned on the door frame, watching them and giggling when the sauce splattered a bit to catch all three of them in the face. They turned to see her and Anna bent her knees to catch the first one as he flung himself off the stool and ran to her.

"Daddy's teaching us about sauce." He squealed and Anna picked him up before opening an arm to take her other son as he stretched himself from John's shoulders to her.

"Is he now?" Anna smiled as John wiped at his face and then wiped her sons' faces before they could bury them in her shirt. "And how much of that includes Daddy getting it all over his shirt?"

The boys giggled again as Anna moved them to their chairs. John brought the pasta bowl over and then the sauces, ladling out for the boys and then handing a bowl to Anna. He pecked her quickly on the cheek, "How was your nap?"

"Restful and exhausting at the same time." Anna took her chair, catching one of the boy's forks before it could hit the floor and handing it back to him. "It's why I don't like naps. They're deceptive."

"But we have to take naps!" Anna put her hand over the cup about to be banged again and looked her little boy in the face.

"Because you're still growing, Charles."

"Are you still growing?"

She ruffled his stiff hair, her fingers catching in the curls. "No, but your little sister is and she needs me to be strong so she'll be strong."

"Like the Hulk." The other boy brought his arms up, giving a toothy grin he tried to turn into a glower.

"Just like that Joseph." John put the fork in Joseph's hand. "Now you've got to eat the pasta of you won't be strong like the Hulk."

"He wants to be Captain America." Charles argued and Anna shrugged.

"You can be whichever one you want as long as you both eat your dinner."

Dinner turned out to be an arduous, exhausting, messy, and wonderful affair. Anna worked both boys into a bath as John managed the chaos of the kitchen, both of them splashing her each other enough to convince Anna she had her bath for the day. But once she had them toweled dry, cleaned their teeth with the least amount of toothpaste she could convince them they needed, and tucked them into bed for a story John was back.

He worked himself between the two beds, stretching his long legs out as the two boys climbed over him to see the pictures. Anna sat in the rocking chair next to Joseph's bed, working herself back and forth to the gentle tune of John's reading until both their little boys' heads had dropped and heavy breathing filled the room. She reached forward to handle Joseph, tucking him under his superhero sheets while John pivoted to get Charles under his.

Working around one another like ballet dancers they kissed the heads of their boys and put away the book to tiptoe into the hall. John shut the door almost all the way and both waited until they were sure neither of the boys faked their sleep. When they breathed a sigh of relief, John helped Anna back downstairs and let her have a chair in the sitting room.

"You're run off your feet."

"So are you." Anna tried to argue but John shook his head.

"It's just tea. I can get that."

"So can I."

"Please?"

Anna huffed, "Fine. But you spoil me and if you're not careful I'll start believing this is what I'll get all the time."

"Don't be silly." John winked at her, "Once she's born it'll be all about her and I'll forget you even exist."

"Say that again and you can forget existing." Anna laughed with him and then leaned back in her chair.

As John left the room something caught her eye. She adjusted in her chair and then pushed herself to stand. Crossing the small room she put her hand out on the frame of a painting that now graced the wall above their sofa. A painting that had not been there earlier that afternoon.

"I commissioned it when we found out we were pregnant." Anna turned to see John entering the room, no mugs and all thought of tea forgotten. "I told you about it because I didn't want it to be a total surprise."

"But this…" Anna pointed to the picture of the white tree with a tall redheaded woman swinging in a circle with Emmy and three other children shown from behind. "This… This is our family. You had someone draw our family in that place."

"I didn't want them forgotten." John's hands dug deep into his pockets, his shoulders hunched up. "I thought… I thought it'd be a nice gesture but if-"

Anna stopped him with her lips on his and her hands tugging on his cheeks. She released when she realized it might be painful for him but knowing he would never say. Studying his eyes, Anna moved her mouth like a fish trying to breathe as she searched for words.

"This is, perhaps, the third nicest thing you've ever done for me."

"Third?"

"You're right, probably the fourth."

"Fourth?" John frowned, "I thought this was the pinnacle of achievement."

"Oh no." Anna dragged John to the sofa, sitting him down on it as she straddled his legs. "Not even close."

"Then what," John's hands moved up her legs to run his thumbs at her hips under her dress, "Was the first?"

"The first was the day you married me." Anna kissed John's cheeks, keeping the contact to a fraction of a second.

"And the second?"

"When you gave me Emmy." Anna ran her lips toward his jaw, running her teeth along him to nip and nibble as he groaned under her ministrations.

"Shouldn't I be thanking you for giving me Emmy?"

"It was a mutual thing." Anna ground down on him and grinned when John bit his lip. "Do you want to know number three?"

"I think I deserve to now." John's fingers brushed over her knickers.

"This." Anna took his other hand and placed it on her stomach where it separated them. "For this little girl."

"I see." John dipped forward, mouthing at the parts of Anna's breasts that were exposed. "I think I can accept that this painting would have to be number four after all of those."

"But John," Anna put her hands under his jaw, lifting it so he could look at her. "I do love it."

"Then it'll stay." He kissed the tip of her nose. "May I continue trying to use it to seduce you Mrs. Bates?"

"I think I'd be a fool to say no." Anna giggled into their kiss and then used it to hide her moan.

Unlike earlier, this was no slow seduction. Instead it was swift, with scrambling fingers and racing heartbeats as their chests tried to press together but Anna's abdomen stopped them. They worked around it, Anna opening John's belt and trousers while he worked her into an almost frenzy with his fingers. They could not stop kissing one another, sloppy and uncoordinated though it was, and when they did pause it was only to line up with one another so Anna could sink down.

Rocking and grinding, they slowed their pace to dig fingers into shoulders and hips. Their kisses continued in a suppressed energy that kept all of the frenetic urgency of their motions without losing sight of the goal. And they worked one another to the edge so they came together.

Sighing together, Anna lay her head on John's shoulder. He scooted on the sofa to tip himself back enough to keep them both comfortable and closed his eyes. Part of Anna wanted to warn him not to fall asleep here, that they would complain about old bones and sore backs in the morning, but she closed her eyes as well and dozed in the comfortable haze.

* * *

 _They ran toward her. Four children, with their arms outstretched, pelted across the white field. Anna only had a moment to note the white tree before they buried her. She held them all, kissing whatever hair or cheek or forehead she could reach until every one of them tried to escape her touch._

 _A hand reached down and helped her to stand, organizing the children into a line. "That's not how we greet someone here." The woman tsked against her teeth and then shrugged at Anna. "What can you do?"_

 _"They are my children." Anna pulled Gwen into a hug, holding her tightly. "I've missed you."_

 _"It's not been a moment." Gwen hugged her back and then separated, waving to someone else. "He wanted to make an entrance."_

 _Anna grinned and did a bit of running on her own, wrapping herself around the solid bulk of her husband as he joined the group. "I've missed you."_

 _"I'm sure you had wonderful company without me." He kissed her forehead. "There's at least four others who took marvelous care of you."_

 _"Yes, they did, but they're still not you." Anna kissed him, ignoring the sounds from the children and Gwen. "How've you been?"_

 _"Occupied with these and other things." John nodded at the children, picking two of them up while Anna handled the third and held Emmy's hand. "We've got a lot to show you here."_

 _"Do you now?" Anna tugged Emmy's hand. "What've you been doing while you've waited for me?"_

 _"Everything." She grinned and dragged Anna behind her._

 _They formed a little group, the two adults with the teenaged girl and the four children, as they marched down the hill and away from the white tree. Anna snuck a peek back, noting the tree seeming to stand a little smaller than before. John nudged her shoulder and she turned to him._

 _"What is it?"_

 _"The hill's changed."_

 _"Changed how?"_

 _"It seems smaller." Anna shrugged, "The tree does too but… the hills just seem smaller."_

 _"Maybe they're just not as daunting anymore." John kissed her cheek. "Come on, there's a lot to see and not much time before the others join us."_

 _"Not much time?" Anna teased back, "I thought there wasn't time here."_

 _"Old habits die hard." John marched forward, "We've got to prepare for when the rest of our children join us The rest of the family'll be along before you know it."_

 _"Yes." Anna squeezed Emmy's hand in hers. "Yes they will."_

 _Together they walked into the bright light._


End file.
